I am breaking up with you.
I don’t want to, and believe me baby, I still love you. This is breaking my heart.
But, I have met someone new. He’s bigger and stronger and yes, a little dirtier. A little rough around the edges. My new boyfriend has this Latin Lover thing going that Keys, baby, you just cannot match. His name? Okay, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to head up there and try to kick his ass, okay? Seriously, you’ll get yourself killed – he’s just a lot bigger, and his grocery stores are open past 11 p.m., and he’s got HUGE friends.
His name is Miami.
Keys, we’ve been together for four and a half years, and I owe you so much. Remember when we first started going out, how young and inexperienced I was? I mispronounced your town of “Islamorada,” calling it “Islamadora.” On the air! So embarrassing.
We didn’t really learn how to make each other happy until about a year had gone bye. That first year was rough, remember? I was in that tiny cottage in that crappy relationship, and I didn’t really know how to handle you, or myself. I was so lonely, but Keys? You helped me through.
And then! After that second year, we had SO much fun, didn’t we? I learned how to tickle you just right, and you figured out how to push all of my buttons. You introduced me to SO many people, so many great friends, from Shawn to Beaker. Keys, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to repay you for bringing those people into my life.
We had four Fantasy Fests together, three Thanksgivings, two swims with dolphins, a fishing tournament where I won $11,000, hundreds of stone crab traps, three New Years’ Eves (one EXTRA special), one sex toy party, countless fun fishing trips, dozens of sunrises, nearly 2000 sunsets, a breakup, several deaths, a birth, late nights dancing, spectacular fireworks, five happy happy birthdays, and hundreds of lazy days on a boat or a beach, talking with friends, relaxing, and absolutely loving my life.
Thank you, Florida Keys. I hope I've been half as good to you as you have to me.
I'll miss you, and I'll always cherish the time we've had together.
I'll never forget you.
It's not you, it's me,