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Fantasy Fest... ah, yeah!
OK, Mom update, because I know people have been following her progress. Then, the fun stuff.

I finally got to talk to her last night. I was feeling really guilty, because I hadn't been able to get through. I was afraid she'd think I wasn't even trying to reach her.

Well, it turns out, my pops has been giving EVERYONE the wrong room number. Sheesh. My sister set me straight.

Mom's surgery is right now scheduled for Friday. She's in pain, she's on drugs. She's gotta hang out in a hospital for 4 days with a broken leg, which Just. Sucks.

She misses me. She wants a hug, and I want to give it to her, but I can't. That sucks, too. She told me to crumple up a piece of paper or something.

AND... she didn't faint. The doctors say she broke her leg, then fell. Her bones are brittle for one of 2 reasons... either she has bone cancer, or the chemo and drugs she's already on are weakening them. Let's hope it's the latter.

OK, enough of that. Fun stuff.


First, a little background... Fantasy Fest is an annual festival held every Halloween in Key West. It's kind of like a Mardi Gras... beads are currency, anything goes. Body paint is common. So is plain ol' nudity. We watched a girl being spanked really hard with a leather thing. People would just try to kiss you out of nowhere. The theme this year was, "Circuses and Sideshows." It was great. I will scan pics sometime in the future.


Jamie. Me. Also known as "air." I was wearing wings and other airy stuff.

Maggie. Fire. Wearing tons of red and a cast... she broke her wrist a few days before her trip.

Shannon. Water. Carrying a squirt gun. Wearing blues and greens.

Gretchen. Earth. Wearing green and leaves. Sprinklilng gold glitter on everyone. Has the worst bead etiquette ever.

We went to the radio station's party. Watched a little parade. Ate free food and enjoyed open bar. On the way out...

Gretchen: "OK. The open bar is closing. Why don't we each order 2 drinks, one for now, while we pee, and one for the road?"

The Rest of Us: "Good idea!"

15 minutes later...

Jamie: "I finished both my drinks, and we're still waiting for the bathroom. Let's order 2 more each!"

The Rest of Us: "OK, good idea!"

10 minutes later...

Maggie: "Dude, I finished those drinks. I'm getting 2 more. Do you want some?"

Shannon: "Yes, please!"

5 minutes later...

Jamie: "OK, we've all peed, time to go!"

Gretchen: "Hang on, I need to get one more drink!"

Jamie: "OK!"

2 minutes later...

Jamie: "Well, now I'm done with mine. I better get some more."

Maggie and Shannon: "Us, too!"

And so on. Maggie later said she drank 14 gin and tonics in the last half hour we were at that party.

Then, we went to a bar.

Some random guy: "Can I get you guys a drink?"

Jamie and Gretchen: "Sure! We'll go to the bar with you."

Roofies Guy: "That's not necessary." He runs off.

Gretchen: "Like I'm going to drink it now."

Roofies Guy returns with drinks.

Maggie, to Roofies Guy: "What are those?"

Roofies Guy: "Drinks."

Maggie: "Well, yeah. What's IN those drinks?"

Roofies Guy: "Look into my eyes."

Maggie peers into the very dialated pupils of extremely stoned guy.

We put down our drinks, drag Shannon off of the lips of a cute guy, and get out of there. On the way out, Gretch tries to remove the beads from the neck of Elvis. I though Elvis was going to unleash the hound dog. (He didn't, but he snarled a little.)

At some point, we hooked up with these cute toga guys. Well, some of us more than others. (Ahem, Shannon...) We LOVED one of them. You could tell people thought he was annoying, but he just couldn't help being himself. He was a sweetheart. After much begging and bargaining, I finally relinquished to him my prized beads with the shot glass attached. I received several drinks in return.

Cut to 2 hours later...

Maggie: "Jamie, guess what? I just flashed my ass for some beads!"

Jamie: "Yay!"

We left Toga Boys and headed to a Wharf bar Shannon and I had been to the last time she came to Key West.

Shannon and I RULED a limbo contest and took home a CD and Tshirt. I discovered it's extremely difficult to limbo in a pleather skirt, and just ended up hiking the thing up around my hips. (Bikini bottom was present, don't worry.) (Oh, so was video camera, unfortunately.) Gretch, Mags, and Shan also participated in some kind of an Olympic-torch-style relay race involving a loofah on a stick. I looked on in confusion.

2 racks were flashed. I'll let you guess whose.

A few hours later... Jamie and Maggie walking down street.

Drunk Guy walks up holding a bead that broken off of one of the more elaborate necklaces we'd see around that evening... The topless upper half of a woman, with light-up red nipples. This is a classy event, people.

Drunk Guy: "Here, I want you to have this."

Maggie: "Why, thank you!"

Drunk Guy: "It's a... it's a... broken titty bitch."

He walks away, and we dissolve into giggles. Broken titty bitch! That's our new insult for mean people, male or female. Can't you see it?

Neal: "Jamie, I don't have any covers!"

Jamie: "Quit being such a broken titty bitch!"

Anyway, we decide to end up at Divas, this bar where Shan, Neal, and I watched a drag show once. They play good techno music.

On the way there, we ran into the Toga Boys again. Shan picked up where she left off, playing tongue hockey with the dark, Brazilain one. Another one kept telling me he was going to dance my face off. Okaaay. The guys had been there and had been stamped for re-entry.

Through 4 different methods, we ladies managed to sneak by for free. I think Maggie just barged her way in, and ignored the yelling doormen. Gretchen caused a small distraction and then disappeared into the crowd. She says someone grabbed her back, but she shook them off. I let them look at a toga boy's stamp, then held up my hand. It was so heavy with beads, they just assumed there was a stamp under there. I have no idea how Shannon made it past. Perhaps the Brazilian Guy smuggled her in underneath his tongue.

We had a good time inside, monopolizing the stage.

The Brazilain guy insisted on dancing behind me, shoving his hard-on into my back. I kept moving away. He kept boning my spine. Finally, I'd had enough, and just swatted my hand at the part of my back he was ramming. I kind of forgot that that's where his penis would be, and essentially smacked him across the dick. He grabbed at his crotch and kind of keeled over.... I tried to warn him.

Unfortunatley, someone tried to pull Maggie up on the stage by her broken wrist. She's going to the doctor on Friday, I believe.

We got back to the hotel between 4 and 5 a.m. I called Neal on my cell, and we held an illegible conversation. We all passed out.

The next day, we wandered around Key West, and each fell in love with the island about 4 different times. There's just nowhere else like it. So much culture... so unique... and perfect weather to boot. You just have to see it.

We did the touristy thing, got pics at the southernmost point in the U.S. ("90 miles to Cuba!"), had lunch at a perfect little Greek cafe. We also found an abandoned float that said things like, "Free Sex Tomorrow!" and "The Greatest Hos On Earth!" Of course, we took tons of pictures of posing on it. I believe there's one of Maggie putting a dollar down my pants.

And we drove home. And we got stuck in traffic. And Gretchen missed her plane. But we all lived happily ever after.

Wanna go next year?

Hey, Earth, Water and Fire... did i miss anything?

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