Yesterday, on my way to work, I realize I have exactly one minute to run into the gas station and get coffee. As I'm speeding to the glass doors, I vaguely notice an older man walking out - he was probably about 60. Thinking he's out of my eyesight, once he's behind me, the guy turns around and gives me the most lascivious up-and-down scope I've ever seen. If his eyes could actually undress, I'd have been standing there nekkid as a peeled grape.

Had I been in any less of a hurry, I'd have turned around and said, "I can SEE you in the reflection of the DOOR, Jackass!"

Same day, lunch hour. I run to Winn Dixie before heading home to eat. I swear to god, this really happened. I had over to the checkout. The checkout dude, also an older gentlman, looks at my puchases and booms, "How are you today, you impetuous young person?!"

Now, with enthusiasm like that, you'd think I was buying whipped cream, vegetable oil, an economy box of rubbers, and X-tra slippery chocolate sauce, right? I was actually buying half and half and fudgsicles. Anyway, I hand over my cash, and the guy loudly exclaims, "Trying to impress me with a 20-dollar bill, huh?"

I just got out of there.

But the Mother of Recently-Stupid-Men Stories stems from dear, sweet Neal.

Before leaving for work, I ask him if he could run to the drug store and grocery store for me that day, and start to tell him what I need. He insists I make a list, so I do. Here's the list:

When I return home from work, Neal regretfully informs me that they were out of the conditioner, but he went ahead and got me some shampoo. I assure him I have some other stuff I can use until they're back in stock, and thank him for running the errands.

One Hour Later: I'm getting ready for Tae Kwon Do.

Me: "Neal, where's the face stuff you got?"

Neal: "Damn it! I'm so sorry, I totally skipped over that."

Me: "Well, that's OK. You can just get it tomorrow, right?"

Neal: "Right."

Two Hours After That: I'm chilling on the couch, and Neal's cleaning in the kitchen.

Neal: "Crap!"

Me: "What?"

Neal: "I forgot the dish soap!"

Me: "You're kidding!"

Neal: "No. Damn."

Me: "Oh, well."

One Hour After That: I'm gathering trash in preparation for pickup the next morning.

Me: "Neal, where did you put the garbage bags?"

Neal: "DAMN!"

Me: "You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

Neal: "No! I didn't get those, either."

Me: "What?! The?! Fuck?! Did you not insist that I make you a list? I wrote all this stuff down!"

Neal: "I know."

Me: "Well, what happened? I asked you to pick up four freaking things, and you managed to get the incorrect version of ONE! Are you losing your shit?"

Neal: "NO."

Me: "Did you forget the list?"

Neal: "No, I brought it."

Me: "Did you lose it in the store or something?"

Neal: "No."

And then he actually says the next line to me. Out loud. I almost died right there on the kitchen floor, crying from laughter and clutching a dirty coffee filter with no trash bag in sight.

Neal: "I brought it, but then I left it in the car, because there were only four things, and I thought I didn't need it."

Neal - Trick or Treat? You be the judge.

Happy Halloween, everyone!