I have a million great stories about Fantasy Fest, but first I want to tell you about some stuff from last week.

I was rather worried about Shawn Friday morning. Last time I saw her was Wednesday night, 1 a.m. She and I were sitting on a railing, waiting for Neal to pick my lit ass up post-Ladies' night.

She didn't show up at work Wednesday. I called her voice mail and didn't hear back. I left work briefly to get coffee Thursday at 9:45. She's supposed to open up shop at 9 a.m.... but no Shawn. When I got back, I was relieved to see her there. I came storming in the shop,

all, "I thought you were DEAD in a DITCH! Why didn't you CALL ME?!"

Wednesday night, she went with a friend of hers to another bar after I left, thus breaking the solid commandment: When Thee Gets Herself Soused At Ladies' Night, NEVER Leave The Bar, Until You're Ready To Go HOME.

We've all broken the commandment, and we've all lived to sorely regret it. Jennifer ended up lost in some hotel in Islamorada. I ended up in a bar with two people I'd just met who weren't nearly as fun as they seemed to be.

And Shawn got jumped.

She went to the next bar, and apparently, an old friend was flirting with her. She even told him to shove it, but Old Friend's date didn't really catch on to that part. Shawn says as she was leaving, Old Friend's Date (we'll call her Scrappy Skank), took a flying leap onto Shawn's back and started the hair-pulling, trash-talking routine.

Shawn is telling me this, and so I'm automatically inspecting her face, knuckles, and arms for evidence. Nothing.

Shawn managed to blacken Scrappy Skank's eye and split her head, but the only think that happened to Shawn is a scraped leg from gravel.

I can't help being impressed, but that whole culture blows my mind. I'm more horrified. I have no idea what the fuck I would do if someone jumped on me. Either cry or bust out some Tae Kwan Do. One of those.

I've never even been in a fight. Mollie and I used to scratch at each other, but I never really fought her. I was bigger than her, and knew I could fuck her up, so I always just kind of played defense in those brawls.

Speaking of fights, I have to leave to test for my next Tae Kwon Do belt in like 10 minutes, so I better wrap this up. Wish me luck!