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You know how when you click on someone's page, and they have a link to Frequently Asked Questions? And then you read it, and it's like, I was born in Pittsburgh, brown hair, Internet porn turns me on, blah, blah, blah. Survey says? No one cares.

Well, I wanted to have a Q & A entry where at least ONE person cared. Probably ONLY one person, but let's not dwell on that, OK?

That person is Joe, your daily cuppa. These are JAQs, or Joe Asked Questions, because if you read on, you'll soon realize they're anything but "frequently asked."

I should also mention, Joe also has JAQs posted... Jamie Asked Questions, of course.

Here goes...

1. When you make a sandwich on a Sunday afternoon, and want to put butter and mayo on the bread, but only have one clean knife in the house, do you:

a) lick the knife clean between condiments
b) hold off on the sandwich until after you do the dishes
c) use the blade of the knife to spread the butter and the handle of the knife to spread the mayo
d) use your fingers
e) decide to order pizza instead
f) Other? __________________

It's my personal belief that anyone who would put both butter and mayo on a sandwich should not be allowed anywhere near knives or any other sharp objects. That's just wrong, friends.

2. Do you think Captain Kangaroo was really Australian?

Ahh. This keeps me awake at night. And after hours of tossing and turning, moaning and mental torture, while I try to bend my mind around the extremely complex, near-impossible puzzle of Captain Kangaroo's true nationality, I close my eyes, and this is what enters my brain, like a vision before a prophet:

...You know, the only thing I really remember about Captain Kangaroo is the red blazer and the falling ping-pong balls. A shower of ping-pong balls would be bitchin', especially here at work. I wonder how everyone would react.

3. Would you rather:

a) ride down a flight of stairs on your butt
b) spend a day wrapped in styrofoam?

Both, please!

Riding down the stairs wrapped in styrofoam and spending a day wrapped in my butt both sound like viable ways to wile away my time, as well.

Well, except for that trapped in my butt thing. As much of a shock as this may be, I don't really aspire to become one of my G-strings.

4. When you eat baked potatoes, do you eat the skin?

If yes, why?
If no, what do you do with it?

Hell, no. The skin is merely a bowl from which I scoop the fluffy and delicious potato goodness.

I usually leave it on the plate, after putting the two halves back together to fake out people into thinking it's still a whole potato! Oh, me and my hollow potato hijinks!

Or, if Neal's really hungry, I'll give it to him. He eats 'em.

5. If, after you die, you could come back as any insect, which would you want to be?

I'd take a stab that most people would reply to this saying they'd like to be a butterfly, so they could experience the the big metamorphasis into a piece of nature's beauty, blahblahblah.

Fuck that.

I'd be a hummingbird, so I could eat sugar all day. Wait, what? A hummingbird's not an insect? Oh. Well, it looks like one.

OK, then... Queen Bee, baby. Gimme some honey.

6. If, after you die, you could come back as any rodent, which would you want to be?

Chuck E. Cheese.

7. Preferred method of shortening toenails?

a) clipping
b) picking
c) biting
d) weedwhacking
e) asking them nicely to please get shorter
f) Other? ______________________________

As tempting as it is to inquire as to WHY THE HELL you would choose to ask this question, Joe, I'll refrain.

If asking them nicely doesn't work (and it usually doesn't), I choose one of my multitudes of man-slaves to give me a fresh pedicure.

8. If donuts were dollars, and all chickens could speak spanish, would the world be a better place?

Did you ever see The Simpsons episode where Homer is force-fed donuts for all eternity? If I was in the Eternal Donut Room, certainly. And since I don't speak Spanish OR to poultry (yeah, I'm just a big chicken-snob), that's fine with me.

Oh, the stories the chickens would tell! Well, just the adventurous ones.

9. If you could learn the phrase "please pass the dipping sauce" in a new language, what language would you choose?

There's so many from which to choose! How will I ever decide? I can't. I'm a Libra. I just can't. Tell you what. All of you reading this who speak a different language, send me the phrase in the language you know, and we'll vote on our favorite.

My platform is that a dipping sauce democracy is not merely an option, but crucial to our society!

10. Is "Squeezin' the Ja-uice" a motto by which you live you life and set all of your standards against?

Well, it most certainly is now.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking I should have a drink named after me, and I was considering calling it, "Jamie Juice." I'm just not sure how I feel about multitudes of strangers, "orderin' da Jamie Juice," y'know?

11. Where in YOUR world is Carmen Sandiego?

Why, she is firmly planted up your...

What? Huh? Where am I? Who are all you people?

I'm going to go get a snack now.

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