It�s 11:30 p.m. I�m walking into the bathroom, naked, going for the post-intimacy pee � you know what I mean. I flip on the light and notice what I think is a dead cockroach next to the roach trap, behind the toilet. It�s not a roach � it�s an evil, terrifying scorpion.

I think perhaps it has died on the roach trap poison. Until that fucker moves.

Step Two: Secure Assistance.

�Beaker! BEAKER!�

Screaming for help is much more effective if you�re jumping up and down. Naked.

�BEAKER!�

�Jamie, I don�t care. JUST KILL IT!�

�I can�t! It�s not a roach, it�s a scorpion, and I�m scared, and oh, yeah, FUCK YOU!�

Beaker runs down the hall as I choose this moment to sprint back into the safety of my bedroom.

Step Three: Procure A Weapon.

Beaker: �I need a shoe!�

Me: �Use one of yours!�

He decides one of mine will be more effective. Stupid platforms.

Step Four: Panic.

Beaker: �Where is it? WHERE DID IT GO?!�

Me: �I don�t know, I don�t know! Just kill it!�

Beaker: �I have to FIND it to KI� Never mind. There it is.�

Step Five: Smash That Fucker.

Beaker smashes that fucker.

Step Six: Reward The Victor.

Like I�m gonna tell YOU.