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Jamie's Breakfast this morning: 3 cookies and a candy cane.

'Tis the season.

I hosted a radio Christmas special Friday after work.

The station manager approached me last week to do this, and I agreed. The premise was a local elementary school's kindergarden kids, 1st graders, and 2nd graders would sing several carols each. In between, 4th graders would read stories they wrote about the holidays. The whole shebang located on a beach. My role was just to pull it all together, act as host for both the listeners and the live audience, introduce kids, and make for smooth transitions between the acts.

So I arrive, with that feel-good, holiday attitude of a person who is about to help bring the magic of Christmas to strangers simply because that's the thing to do.

Here is a list of things that could possibly go wrong during a show such as this.

*The cords won't stay taped down, so little kids keep tripping over them.

*There's a faulty connection, and the show doesn't broadcast to the live audience half the time.

*There's a faulty connection, and the show doesn't broadcast over the radio half the time.

*The host (me) gets sand in her shoes.

*Due to technical difficluties, the host has no idea when she is and isn't on the air.

*Due to technical difficulties, the host gets reallyreally bored saying, "Check. Check 1,2" into the mic over and over again so the sound guys can mess with the connections. The host decides to let kindergartners say, "Check Check Check!" for her. They beg to get a turn. Once program starts, we begin broadcasting live. Host leaves mic up front and heads behind crowd. Kindergartners seize the opportunity to bum-rush the mic and shout "CheckCheckCheckCheck" over and over. Host just laughs.

*The children steadily creep forward in some sort of obsessed crush, pressing toward the audience. Result: The mics placed before the group are now located in the center of a crowd of singing kids, and the kid directly in front of it is the only one who can be heard. Other Result: Host has no room to maneuver herself or the mics or the cords. Result of that: Several local parents now have home videos of host tripping and falling into the group of children. Several times.

*The music teacher doesn't understand concept of LIVE ON THE AIR, and in between songs, chooses to cover the microphone with his hand and yell at the children for extended periods of time. Host, in a desperate attempt to prevent dead air, is forced to run to the front of the kid-crowd and hunch over the microphone (set at kid-height) and just start babbling, to fill the time. Eventually, host resorts to asking kids what they want for Christmas and what their favorite Christmas carols are. Everyone wants a scooter. Host is starting to want a scooter.

*A crazed, psychotic cat darts into the cluster of 1st grader legs. Kids scream and scatter. Cat then shoots into the audience. Host loses sight of cat while wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

*Music teacher changes order of songs AGAIN. For the third group, host doesn't introduce a single song correctly. Host looks like a raving moron who doesn't know the difference between "Jingle Bells" and "Silent Night."

*Cranky women from the audience rudely order host to ask audience to quiet down. Since host realizes she isn't Principal Of The World, she elects to not do this. Fortunately, one "shush" into mic directed at the kids spreads through the crowd.

*As host tries to leave the parking lot, she forgets that there's parking dividers between the spaces and proceeds to drive car over large concrete hump. Cringing at the scraping noises coming from the bottom of her car, host thanks the heavens she drives a standard, and floors it in reverse. Car rolls over hump and is free, but host notices all the people in the parking lot laughing at her. Host flashes them a charming smile and gets the hell out of there.

Guess how many of those things happened?

If you said "All Of The Above," get your ass over to the message board and give yourself a prize.

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