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With This Ring, I Thee Chug
Ah, slack.

By some godgiven miracle, I have been blessed with both Thursday and Friday off. My slacky-ass attitude is spreading to my online life as well, as you can see. But I don't care. This has been great. All laying around and not being on the radio and not writing stories or interviewing people. Well, every now and then I cave in and ask Neal his opinion on a current event, but that's it. Just laying around watching movies, and cleaning house in between. Oh, and dreaming about Christmas. It's going to be a good one this year.

For my talk show on Tuesday, Kim and I put on a wedding show. I'd like to share with you a conversation that occurred earlier that afternoon between, Me, Boss, DJ, and Receptionist, in Boss's office.

Me: "Boss, guess what our talk show's about tonight?"

Boss: "What?"

Me: "I'll give you a hint." Starts humming The Wedding March and doing that retarded bride walk across his office.

Receptionist: "Graduation!!!"

Me: "NO! That's the wedding song."

Small pause while we all try to remember how the graduation song goes. DJ finally gets it.

Boss: "Weddings?! What do you mean, weddings? What about Thanksgiving in two days? You should be doing cooking! You and Kim should get some chefs in there and talk about making Thanksgiving dinner!"

Me: "Eh. Not our style."

DJ: "Are you kidding me?! Jamie and Kim? They don't know shit about cooking!"

Me: "Hey! I can cook, like, five things!"

DJ: "Whatever. Boss, you might as well ask them to do a show about nuclear fission."

This is where I had a snappy reply all ready. "YOU don't know ANYTHING about my knowledge of PHYSICS!" But I can't get the damn sentence out.

Me: "Buddy, YOU have no idea about what I know about phy-- phy-- fe--- aw, crap."

Whole office is laughing at my stuttering self.

Me: "Guess I should learn to spit it out before I start bragging about my expertise, huh?"

By the way, the show was great. Kim and I wore veils, and there just happened to be a wedding the next day at the resort where we broadcast from, so Kim and I got to interview the couple. She made him propose all over again, which was cute.

A couple of funny things, though. The florist lady brought us presents. I really wanted the candle shaped like a big wedding cake, because I couild think of all kinds of ways to bastardize it. Like, put a little lesbian couple on top, or use food coloring to turn it into The Wedding Cake That Dripped Blood.

But I got a thing called "The Bridal Box." It looks like a white recipe box, but inside are all these cards meant to organize the wedding planning process. I guess.

What I really wanted to do with it was smuggle it into the house, not say anything to Neal, and just leave it open on a table. Every couple of days, I'd fill out some cards with gushy info, leave it where he could find it, not mention it, then see how long it took for him to run off into the desert, leaving just a cloud of dust like Wile E. Coyote.

Oh, the other cool part about the wedding talk show, and the whole reason we did it, is because one of our sponsors is a dry-cleaning business that also sells consignment wedding dresses and rents tuxedos.

So the owner had three of her employees dress in tuxes, and her daughter in full bridal garb. Very nice, but these people then proceeded to get drunk. Like, bride leaning waaay over the railing sucking on a cigarette drunk. Like, don't spill your can of cheap beer on your formal attire drunk.

Like, dudes in tuxedos hitting on me drunk.

It was almost just like a real wedding.

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