Here, it�s easy.

If you are at any time going slower than any car on the road, get your ass immediately into the slow lane. That is the lane on the RIGHT. Yes, even if you are towing a boat. Yes, even if you are 194 years old. Yes, even if you will have to hang out behind a semi truck for a while. Going slower than anyone, ANYONE on the road? DRIVE IN THE FUCKING RIGHT LANE.

Let those of us who actually have to get somewhere, you know, get there.

And here�s a little surprise � if you are not actually passing someone, in this state, at least, it is ILLEGAL to DRIVE in the LEFT LANE. Period. It�s rarely pulled, but it�s against the law. Use this as your rule of thumb. (Dear Cops, Could you please start pulling people over and issuing ridiculously expensive tickets for this infraction? I�d totally appreciate it, and could then direct my rage into a more productive outlet. Like possibly law enforcement fundraising drives. Thanks. Sincerely, Jamie.)

There is one exception to this rule � if you are turning left. In this case, you can hang out in the left lane as long as you want � as long as I�m not behind you, crawling up your ass because I�m so impatient with your nerve-grating insistence on hanging out in the Fast Lane when you are, in fact, GOING SLOW.

I may be shouting things like, �It�s called �The Fast Lane� for a reason, you brainless cocksucker!� If you are turning left in the near future, here is what you do: flip on your left turn signal for a moment, to indicate your intentions. I will remove my front bumper from your back one, and my blood pressure will eventually return to a healthy level.

Am I giving you an enema with my front bumper, and you are in fact NOT turning left in the near future? MOVE YOUR KEISTER INTO THE SLOW LANE, YOU INSIPID MORON.

2. What if you are trying to do the right thing? What if you are driving at a rapid rate of speed in the Fast Lane, but the butthole in front of you is dragging ass? You may think this answer is simple � switch to the Slow/Right Lane for the time it takes to pass Senor Butthole, then weave back into the Fast Lane.

You would be wrong.

As educated people, or at least Not-Dipshits, it is our job to train these people. I know it�s a bit of a burden, but it�s the only way they�ll learn. Get right up on ass-draggers backend. That�s right. Tailgate that motherfucker until �tailgate� simply isn�t a strong enough word. Not working? Flash your lights (high beams at night). Still not working? Flash again. Still not working? Flash and honk your horn at the same time.

What? You say that�s mean? Are you whining? You know what�s �mean�? Screwing up AMERICA�S ENTIRE ROADWAY SYSTEM because for some reason, you�ve got a jones to mosey on the left side. Fuck that. It is our duty to train the idiots. If we don�t achieve that, we�ll have at least annoyed and punished them. Think of it as helping to aim the Karmic Squirt Gun at all who deserve it. We�re all better off.

3. What if you are in the Fast Lane, going faster than and passing a vehicle traveling in the slow lane, and you notice that there are clearly vehicles behind you who are trying to find away around you, or, let me rephrase that, out of the HELL with boundaries made of CARS in which you have trapped those vehicles?

But Jamie, you might be saying. You told me that I may use the Fast Lane to pass others who are traveling at a slower rate of speed, and that is what I am doing. What ever could you mean?

To this I would reply, Friend With No Fucking Common Sense, that passing doesn�t make you Czar Of The Street, okay? Use your tiny, sad little head. Pass your ass off, but if you are blocking someone who clearly wants to get around you? SPEED UP. It�s only for a second. I won�t tell anyone. Oh, you don�t want to speed up? You�re afraid you�ll get a ticket? Boo hoo. Get your ass back into the Slow Lane, even if you have to sneak in behind the person you were passing, and quit wasting everyone�s time, you whiny bitch.

4. Cell phones. Sweet mother of onion rings, Cell Phones. People who know me and know how much the current state of widespread cell phone rudeness bothers me might be surprised to hear this, but I�m not totally against cell phone use while driving. AS LONG AS YOU�RE NOT DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

Driving straight down the road, cruising control on, not an exit or a turn or an intersection in sight? Gab away, you addicted freak.

Approaching a turn, intersection, slow-moving car that needs either passing or tailgating, or a small child playing jacks on the asphalt?

You have two options. The first is to hang up the phone. I know that some of you don�t know how to do this, so I�ll give you your line. �Person I�m Talking To? I�m driving, and about to approach a flooded roadway/left turn on yellow/overturned semi-truck spilling glue. I�ll have to hang up. Good bye.� And then hang up. Liberating, isn�t it?

The second option is to simply set the phone down for a second. This is also deceptively easy. �Person I�m Talking To? I�m approaching a brush fire/the rear end of a stalled car/a herd of chickens/a right turn. Could you hang on a sec?� Then simply set the phone down on the seat next to you. Once the obstacle has been successfully avoided, you may pick up the phone and resume your conversation.

Isn�t simplicity beautiful?

5. Use your turn signals. Yes, even when you are turning into your driveway in the middle of the night, and there�s not a car for miles. The reason I advocate this is because based on the sporadic turn signal use I observe every single day of my life, not enough people are �in the habit.� It�s not a hard habit to develop, and really, laziness isn�t an excuse. It�s not like the turn signal is located under the far side of the rear seat, only able to be activated by deciphering a combination lock, giving a troll who lives under a bridge the solution to a punny riddle, and then beating the signal repeatedly with a monkey wrench.

It�s, like, RIGHT THERE. It takes the �power� of one, single finger. Maybe two, on a bad day. There is really no excuse to use it, you know, EVERY TIME YOU TURN.

If you are an officer of the law, #5 goes double for you. It�s just a fucking turn signal. You�re not �above it.� Hell, you�re not �above� a Big Mac. So just use the damn thing. Besides, if you don�t, I�ll totally call your boss and report you.

You calling me a tattletale? Bite me, hypocrite.

So, there you go. How to drive, in five simple steps. If you and everyone else on the roadway were to follow these oh-so-easy-peasy directions, why, gee, driving to the store might actually MAKE SENSE. Hell, we could get close to efficiency. So let�s work on it, okay?

We�re all in this together.