During Tae Kwon Do last night, I learned how to break someone's arm three different ways if that person should be unfortunate enough to grab my shirt. I also learned the correct way to headbutt someone. I'm getting pretty dangerous. So here's what I want to know.

When are people going to start fearing me? I'm ready to be feared. I can tell there's no fear. Men are still trying to cop feels, and my friends just simply aren't cowering enough. Maybe I should change my wardrobe to something that says, "Fear me, motherfucker." I just don't know what attire would best convey that image.

Last night, I helped rehabilitate a pygmy sperm whale. His name is Whalen. Whalen beached himself in Naples, and was shipped down to a piece of property about ten miles north of me. Right now, they're just maintaining him and rehydrating him. Test results will be back today, so maybe we'll find out why he beached himself.

In the meantime, they're keeping him in a bit of bay, and they needed volunteers to help keep him stable. I took a buddy with me to the site last night. We went through a short orientation explaining the proper and improper ways to touch the whale so we wouldn't get our hands bit off, and then pulled on some wetsuits. Whalen has to be constantly held, because marine mammals' breathing is voluntary, unlike humans. Whales need to consciously think to take their breaths, and a sick animal like whalen could easily slip under the water and drown. It's also comforting to have warm hands on skin when he's not feeling well.

My buddy and I got in position on either side of Whalen. We put our hands in the proper places and just got used to holding him. Then, the head volunteer guy taught me how to take his heartbeat, and how to check his breathing and temperature. His heart is located in approximately the same place as yours and mine - you just reach under, press on his chest, and count. His rate was slow - he was only at 34. 50 is normal. To check his temperature, you place on hand on the front of the dorsal fin, and the other on his back in a certain place. Both areas should feel about the same temperature - if not, he could have a fever.

We just held him and kept his back wet and his blowhole out of the water for about an hour. We also walked along when it seemed like he wanted to swim. Oh, pygmy sperm whales do something else cool, and they're the only species to do it. They'll hold hands with you. I slid my hand underneath the whale's side fin, and grabbed on to the front of it, so my forearm was sort of in his armpit. He then used the fin to squeeze my arm against his body, while I held onto the fin. The head volunteer guy told me they find this comforting.

Even though it was cold at the end of our shift, it was hard to say goodbye to Whalen. He's very charming, and I couldn't help but feel bad for him. He's likely never seen a human until two days ago. He's all swimming along the ocean, eating fish, and then all of a sudden, he's like, "Ooh. I don't feel so good." Next thing he knows, he's on a beach, gasping for air. Then all these weird people things are all around him, and before he knows it, he's on a truck, being driven down the Florida turnpike while the people things hose him down. Then he's back in the water, but no one will leave him alone and he still doesn't feel very well.

I'm totally attached to Whalen, I'll admit it. If he doesn't survive, I'm going to be really, really sad.

But I'll still be glad I voluteered my time. I hope I helped him out. I'm going back today, because I want to help more, and because I'd like to see him in the daylight. I couldn't tell last night what his face looks like.

So last night, I learned how to break someone's arm in three different ways, and helped a sick pygmy sperm whale. What did you do?