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08.19.03
Good Excuse, Bad Fuckup
Why I Was Late For Tae Kwon Do Last Night:

Because my neighbor raises bull terriers. I�m not a fan of the Spuds McKenzie dog. They�re stupid, mean, not cuddly, and unfriendly. Bull terriers are about the most uninteresting breed of dog I�ve ever encountered, and I�ve been around pugs.

Anyway, I think they�re a little scary, too. My neighbor once had to be taken to the emergency room when two of her terriers went at each other � they shredded her hands, like two chicken tacos. Another one killed a puppy that was walking down the road during a cookout. Not only does the breed have Cujo-like qualities, but she spoils and indulges the animals, too. To me, that�s a recipe for disaster. Fortunately (for me and Miss Budina), she keeps �em fenced in the backyard.

And that�s why, as I was walking in my driveway to my car yesterday, I was less than thrilled to see one of the animals at my feet. But the fun really began when the bugger jumped into my car as I was getting in, and refused to get out. I�m all, �Here, come on, getthefuckoutyouworthlesspieceoffur,� while the dog ignores me and bites the gearshift.

Finally, I just started yelling for my neighbor. It wasn�t easy for THEM to get it out, either. I tried bargaining with the dog. �Seriously, you don�t want a ride. It�s a Neon, and it doesn�t have A/C.�

Finally, it got out. But its stink remained. Lucky me.

The Case Of Mistaken Identity:

I arrived about five minutes late, with the lingering stench of dog wafting behind me.

Tae Kwon Do Soap Opera, short version � my main instructor, who we will call Ralph, used to train under this one Old Skool Dude, who we will call Mr. Miagi. Ralph: very laid back and nice. Mr. Miagi: Well, he doesn�t call me grasshopper or make me wax cars or anything, but you can tell he likes to think of himself as tough but fair. He does some things with which I very much don�t agree, but for the most part, I like him.

Anyway, the two of them were like father and son, and then had a falling out, and were estranged for ages. There was a recent reconciliation, and now Mr. Miagi sits in and helps out with classes occasionally. Which makes Ralph very nervous � he starts enforcing these rules none of us have ever heard of, and it�s honestly a little funny. I like Ralph, and try to make him look good, but it isn�t always easy.

I come waltzing in late, and Ralph�s all, �I didn�t give you permission to enter!� And I�m like, �Huh?� (Usually, I mosey on in.) So he makes me kneel by the door or something, and I�m sure I was wearing my bestest �The fuh?� face the whole time.

Finally, class is underway, and I�m paired up with the black belt kid� eh, about 11 or 12 years old, I�d say. Short blond hair and freckles. He and I are doing these one-step sparring drills, and Mr. Miagi is coming around, correcting and suggesting.

And Mr. Miagi says something off, and I try to clarify by referencing my sparring partner, saying, �Well, he�s doing this - �

And they both look at me funny, and Mr. Miagi goes, �HE?�

I�d been working with a girl.

I felt so, so bad.

I don�t even know how you apologize for It�s Pat Syndrome. Hallmark doesn�t make a card, and I�ve never seen Miss Manners give guidance. I just said I was sorry.

Later in the class, though, she�s talking to me about the other kids or something (I think she�s a bit of a scapegoat), and says something about how they call her a boy. I must have given her a stricken look, because she goes, �They do it to be mean. I know you weren�t��

So, I think I�m forgiven. I still have the taste of foot in my mouth, though.

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