Last week:
I told him, �That�s a really good idea.�
So he said, �I�m a genius, ain�t I?�
I replied, ��Ain�t I? Genius? Did you actually just say that sentence out loud?�
He thought for a minute, then said, �Well, at least I didn�t say �Ain�t me.��
�You have a point there, Einstein.�
Last night:
I volunteered to bartend at an arts council event, on the property of a local woman who owns a CPA firm. Her true passion is gardening, and I�ve booked her for talk shows on both things: botanicals, and taxes.
She�s so funny, because she�s made her fortune in finance, but always pouts when we have to talk about money, because she�s much rather be dishing the dirt on plants.
As you can imagine, her property is amazing. Bayfront, landscaped to within an inch of its life, with garden paths and peaceful, shady nooks. (Except for the bar � Shawn, my fellow bartender, and I spent the evening sweltering in the sun.)
I tended bar for about a year and a half between graduating from college and landing my first radio job. I also did a little off and on during college, mostly for catering jobs. It�s amazing to me that no matter where you are, and no matter who you are serving, there are the same types of drinkers everywhere.
The Self Absorbed: Usually an older man. For some reason, finds it deeply and personally offensive if you can�t remember what he drinks.
Needs A Life: Doesn�t get out much. Or ever, you know. Because she approaches the bar cautiously, almost as if she�s embarrassed to be seen near the devil�s juice, liquor. Launches into boring explanation of how she� you guessed it� never gets out. So she giggles and little, says she�s going crazy tonight and orders� a strawberry daquiri.
The Unreasonable One: Is never satisfied with what is available, and wants the bartender to fix it, even if Jack Daniels himself couldn�t fix it. The person manifested herself last night in the form of a teeny little old lady. Our setup was, beer and wine and rum punch at the bar, and people who were abstaining from the sweet, sweet alcohol were directed to a cooler on a nearby porch, filled with waters and sodas a-plenty.
The Unreasonable One approached the bar and peered over, asking about non-alcoholic. When directed to the cooler, she inquired about the rum punch, and was visibly annoyed when Shawn told her no, it wasn�t lemonade. (That�s the other thing � Other Unreasonable Ones acted like we were hiding the lemonade or non-alcoholic stuff � why would we do that?) The Unreasonable One asked to taste the punch, so Shawn poured her a little.
She took a sip. She screwed up her face and shot Shawn a dirty look. Then she just kind of stared at Shawn, expectantly, for a long time.
I truly believe she wanted Shawn to remove the rum from the punch.
The Excuse Makers: The is about half the crowd at any given event. For some reason, they are embarrassed about drinking. So they make these weird little excuses.
�Must be a hole in my cup!�
�You won�t believe it, but I spilled it again! Ha, ha!�
�Well, my wife sure is putting it away tonight, huh?�
�Man! Hot and thirsty!�
These lines are all delivered with this corny wink-wink-nudge-nudge attitude. �I don�t usually drink much, but�� Shawn played along and joked around, but I found myself getting a little annoyed � Fucking DRINK, man! Who cares? It�s an open bar, it�s a hot and beautiful evening, artists are painting right over there� have a damn drink, and don�t worry about it!
They act like we�re going to judge. Dude. We�re bartenders. You�re lucky WE aren�t drunk.
The Snob: This character manifests itself in many, many forms. Usually, it�s about being picky, demanding, and rude. The biggest examples last night were a few of the beer-drinkers � we had the wine and stuff behind the bar, but a keg right beside. To save time (it was surprisingly busy!), we were just handing people cups and directing them to the keg. The shock that registered on some people�s faces when they realized they were expect to POUR THEIR OWN BEER was priceless.
Clueless: Harmless and funny. I�ve been the Clueless more than once. Yesterday, I handed this dude a cup and showed him the keg, then turned to help someone else. When I looked back, he was bent over the keg, poking at it.
�Where�s the Budweiser? Is it under this silver thing?�
Hee! I hooked him up, frat-style.
The Lush: Self-explanatory. These are usually the most polite, the biggest tippers, and the most fun to serve. Seriously. Thank heaven for little drunks. I�ve also been this drinker. You know. On occasion, like once or twice or something.
It was also interesting to me to observe how people looked at me and treated me� nothing blatant or quotable. But I spent a long time being a �lowly� bartender. Better yet, I tended bar in a country club, where the overblown sense of entitlement was included in the annual dues. And I�ve spent about 3 years now being a professional. Without even realizing it, I�ve grown accustomed to being treated as such.
And last night, it was like a blast from the past to be treated like a bartender again. Subtle look-downs. Telling me to do something, instead of asking. Treating me like I was a little dumb. Interesting.
And completely NOT understandable. People? Bartenders bring you ALCOHOL. The control how quickly you get your drink, and how many drinks you get. They get you DRUNK.
If you don�t treat your bartender like a GOD, you are a moron.
