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2002-11-25
I'm Sorry, Malfoy! I Never Meant To Hurt Yew!
I watched The Chamber of Secrets Saturday, and enjoyed it more than the first. However, during the length of the entire movie, something was bugging me about the kid who plays Draco Malfoy. There was just something about that kid, and I couldn�t put my finger on it�

Finally, during the film�s last scenes, I figured it out.

Draco Malfoy is a sneering, cocky, immature, ready-to-rumble-for-no-reason, unnaturally blond guy.

Draco Malfoy is a little Eminem.

He�s the Slytherin Slim Shady.

Malfoy looks just like Marshall Mathers. I can see Eminem being like him, too � surrounding himself with fools to make himself feel more intelligent and powerful, assuming he is far more clever than is actually true, and always acting kinda gay.

They even have the same facial expressions. Creepy.

I kept expecting Draco to bust out with a little, �You�ll never get away with this, *Puh*otter!

�Caaaaaause�.. TWO HUFFLEPUFF GIRLS GO ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ROUND THE OUTSIDE! ROUND THE OUTSIDE!�

(The *Puh* was the best way I knew how to write out the spitting noise Malfoy made every time he said Harry�s last name. Sorry. Incidentally, in radio, this is called �Popping Your Ps,� and it�s very, very bad. Not to mention gross, when you�re sharing a microphone.)

I�m going to my first Thanksgiving this week tonight. That�s right, the first of several, or just two � I don�t really know yet. You wouldn�t know I was about to nosh on some turkey in three hours by the way I�ve been pounding cheese puffs and teddy grahams all afternoon, but who asked you?

Speaking of free food over the holidays, as a radio kid, I get lots of press releases and invitations to holiday parties and events and openings and stuff this time every year. I used to just chuck �em, but this year, I decided to capitalize. I�ve begun a database, listing when all these events are, and which conflict with each other.

Also, each entry notes what kind of free hooch will be available. Things like, �wine and cheese,� �full meal, but need to bring covered dish,� and �Buffet And Open Bar! Jackpot!� I�m armed with several little black dresses, and ready to go consume at a moment�s notice.

Perhaps this seems a little calculated for during the holidays, but you know what? They wouldn�t invite me if they didn�t want me to come freeload, would they? Would they?

Eh, again - who asked you? �Tis the season, and when it comes to free liquor, I�m a ho ho ho.

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