So there may or may not have been this Catholic priest in my area, who abruptly left town this past spring while hotly denying allegations of molesting one or two little boys. And this priest may or may not have been charged on a zillion counts of first-degree sexual conduct this week, leading me to contact many law-enforcement types all over the country, trying to track down the story. Now, when Priesty left town, I tried to get several congregants to open up to me, but I�m not Catholic, and they were all fiercely loyal to the Father. So nada from the kneelers.

So once again this time around, I racked my brain, trying to think of a local Catholic who could tell me � honestly � a little about what this man was like, and whether he could have done the crime.

Sitting at my desk, thinking� thinking� Wait! Got it! New friend Ry. Perfect. He mentioned that he was raised Catholic, because I remember mocking him for it. I�ll call Ry.

Ring, ring.

Ry (sleepy): �Hello?�

Me: �Ry, it�s me!�

Ry: �Oh. Hey.�

Me: �Did I wake you up?�

Ry: �Yeah.�

Me: �Oh. Okay. Well, go back to sleep. I just had a question. I�ll ask later.�

Ry: �Nah, I think I�m going to get some breakfast. Go ahead and ask.�

Me: �Okay. You know how you were Catholic?�

Ry: �Um. Yeeeessss?�

Me: �Right. So, where did you go to church?�

Ry: �Our Perpetual St. Hypocrite.� (Priesty�s church! Yay!)

Me: �Perfect! So, did you know Father Priesty?�

Ry (thinking I had Priesty in the room with me): �Well, I knew who he was. I mean, he was there when I was there. He wouldn�t know who I was or anything, I mean now, though.�

Me: �That�s okay. All right. Can I ask you one more thing?�

Ry: �Sure.�

Me: �Did Priesty ever, um, you know� touch you inappropriately?� (I wasn�t planning to ask that. It just came flying out of my mouth like a spit take before I had a chance to stop it. My brain had nothing to do with that question � it went straight from outer space on out of my face.)

Ry (VERY awake now): �WHAT?!�

Me (continuing, because I didn�t know what else to do. I started it, I was doomed to finish it.): �You know. Did he ever touch you� in your special places.�

Ry: �Wha- Jamie. I- wh- WHAT? I just woke up. It�s� I just woke up.

Me: �I know. I�m sorry.�

Ry: �Well, that�s okay.�

Me: �So?�

Ry: �So, what?�

Me: �Did he ever touch you?�

Ry: �Oh my god. NO, okay? No!�

Me: �All right. That�s all I needed. Sheesh. Go get some breakfast.�

Ry: �I am.�

Me: �Good. Okay. Bye.�

Ry: �Good-BYE.�

Awkward conversations aside, I�m headed out of town this weekend. We�re going to a beach house/mansion on the mainland, and people keep telling me that there are great shark teeth all over the place there. Shawn and I are driving up early tomorrow morning and then relaxing our asses off all weekend.

You should, too. You deserve it.