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12.17.02
Jamiestar Does The Warehouse
Well, the TWENTY TO FIFTY PERCENT!commercial�s rotation is over. Thank goodness � it was starting to pierce holes in my brain.

In the meantime, I�ve been shopping for gifts non-stop, without ever really seeming to find anything for anyone. I know what I WANT to get people, but I just haven�t actually found or purchased those things as of yet.

Last week, I accompanied Shawn to a big sale in Miami (FIFTY PERCENT! Okay, I�ll stop now.). I never realized that Shawn didn�t own any dresses. She has nice clothes, but no actually dressy dresses, so we decided to remedy that situation in time for upcoming Christmas parties and The First Annual Floating Formal Extravaganza Of 2003.

And we did, choosing two gorgeous dresses despite the fact that one covered her in so much glitter she looked dirty.

While standing in line�

Me: �Jeez, Shawn. You have glitter all in your ears.�

Shawn: �I know.�

Me: �It looks like a fairy spit all over you.�

Hence, the dress is now known as �The Fairy Spit.�

On the way home, we finally stopped in the Adult Video, Book And Toy Warehouse.

(Allow me to pause a moment, while I anticipate the sharp increase in frightening google hits I�ll be receiving once this entry goes live.)

The Adult Warehouse has been a thorn in my perverted side for a long time now, because it�s been located at the top of the Keys for almost two years now, and I�ve never been inside.

It�s in a place I don�t go by very often, and when I do, I�m usually late for a flight out of Miami and driving like a maniac, with no time for all things that wiggle and vibrate.

But the place is open until 2 a.m., and on our way back from the big big sale, Shawn and I had no excuse.

I was going in.

And, let me just say�.. �WOW!�

This place is an emporium. I thought I�d been around the block, but there were some things that I�d never even heard of before.

Everything you can imagine that could be enhanced by the prominent addition of a plastic penis or boobie was right there, hanging out on shelf after shelf.

They had penis picture frames, penis pasta, penis toothpicks, penis silverware, penis toilet seats, penis Christmas lights, penis paper plates, penis pencils, penis toilet plungers, penis lapel pins, penis soap, penis wallpaper, penis cake molds, penis candles (Must be cathartic to light one of those suckers after being dumped), penis tool kits, penis band-aids, penis pipes, penis lamps, and penis candy.

And that doesn�t even cover the wide array of items that looked normal, until you realized there was a mammoth penis and set of balls attached � everything from a cute little but very well-hung stuffed mouse to a replica of an Oscar award that could put Halle Berry�s tear-filled eye out mid-brandish.

And Shawn is squealing and touching and she wants EVERYTHING. As we�re discussing the various novelty items, something dawns on me.

If Shawn had our way, our entire apartment would be decorated in phallic.

I really need to get that girl a boyfriend.

In addition, I also found myself standing in an aisle, explaining to her the function of anal beads.

Oh! And the blow-up dolls! You can tell that there are people our there who are SERIOUS about their inflatable lovers, given the wide variety and various features from which to choose. Wanna get blown by a blow-up mermaid? You can, for $249.99! Wanna diddle around with Fatty Patty�s �Three Enormous Love Holes!�? Get yourself $179.99 and a ride to The Adult Warehouse!

We�re lingering in the sex dolls aisle, when a male doll catches my eye. (No, not in that �stranger across the room� way.) I pick up the box, and Shawn walks over. We proceed to have an embarrassingly dense moment.

Me: �Hey, why does the MAN have a mouth-hole?�

Shawn: �Yeah, what�s up with that?�

Me: �I mean, I understand why the WOMAN doll has one. But what is a woman going to do with a mouth hole?�

Shawn: �Maybe it�s for kissing, or a finger��

Me: �But it doesn�t look like it would be very pleasant to stick your tongue in this big, gaping, hol- oh. OH!�

Shawn: �What?�

Me: �Read the box.�

Shawn: �Huh?�

Me: ��My First Man Lover���

And we finally caught up.

Then I lost Shawn for a while, only to find she�d been sucked into a Kama Sutra book.

Next, we smelled all the oils and lubes, and exclaimed over the many, many Christmas-specific penis-enhanced toys.

All I can say is, that Santa Claus is a NAUGHTY boy.

After all that, guess what I bought?

One of those satin sleep masks that blocks out the light.

All that inventory, and I walk out of there with one of the few things in the entire joint that didn�t feature a bare breast or penis or even a butt cheek.

It�s a new level of lame. I�m kind of proud.

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