I imagine, that is.

I am SO excited about tonight's talk show. I managed to -- at the last minute -- book the most bizarre guests ever. We're featuring the International Directors of the Extra-Terrestrial Communications Network. They're a husband and wife couple conducting several seminars in the Keys this weekend. I spoke mostly to the wife. She talked a lot about "hidden human-appearing extraterrestrials," as opposed as aliens that LOOK like aliens, or UFOs. Sometimes, I love my job.

They both have had encounters with such extraterrestrials as small children. There's also a freaky-deaky story about how they got together, 'cause they're soul mates, you see.

The woman is also a psychic, she tells me. She can read vibrations in voices. She started doing mine over the phone yesterday, which I normally would have got a kick out of, but it just felt WRONG in a work setting.

UFO Lady: "For example, I can tell your mother was not very much fun when you were growing up."

I fell silent for a moment.

Jamie's Brain: "Is this woman talking smack about my mommy? What the fuck? Okay, let's think about what she said. Well, that's not very fair, seeing as how she's been battling cancer for nearly the past 11 years."

Jamie: "I'm not sure that's accurate."

UFO Lady: "I mean, like, she didn't go out much, wasn't very social. I can sense that she isn't nearly as outgoing as you are."

Jamie: "Well, that's true. She's painfully shy. But she was a lot of fun, like with us, her kids. She did things with us all the time."

UFO Lady: "I can also tell she didn't celebrate her womanhood very much."

Jamie's Brain: "Whatever that means."

Jamie: "Huh?"

UFO Lady: "She didn't flaunt her femininity."

Jamie's Brain: "What the hell is that? Should she have dangled tampons from her ears?"

Jamie: "Well... I guess."

UFO Lady: "As a result, you should enjoy and express your womanhood as much as possible. You should celebrate your femininity to the fullest extent."

Jamie: "Um, how does one DO that?"

UFO Lady: "In everything she does!"

Jamie: "Oh. Right."

She then proceeded into some rant about how clothes aren't feminine anymore. I swear, the following are words out of UFO Lady's mouth.

UFO Lady: "Clothes don't celebrate women anymore! Everything is either sleazy or bulldyke! (Jamie's Brain: "Heh. Bulldyke.") Take shoes! We don't need to be parading around in these slutty high heels! But we don't need to wear big, clunky boots, either!"

Jamie's Brain: "You just described my entire shoe rack."

Anyway, I can't wait for the show. She promised to bring some "weird things" that would "blow the crowd's mind."

I'm secretly, furiously hoping that it's an alien in a jar of formaldehyde, but I guess there's no point in getting greedy.

I'd settle for an alien's head in a jar.