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Opportunities, Missed.
Friday night, I missed yet ANOTHER prime opportunity to kick OJ Simpson in the nuts.

I took Shawn to this word-of-mouth private V-Day party, where we had... moderate fun, I'd say. Good food, great band. It was nice to dress up and hang out, but it was a pretty tame crowd. There was lots of after hours stuff going on, but we'd vowed to keep it a reasonable night, and left at 11. While we were waiting for our ride, we got word that OJ Simpson was on property. I got really mad that I hadn’t seen him AGAIN - he likes that resort, and stops by a few times a year, but everyone else in the world sees him, except me. Once, he was in the bar where my talk show it, while it was broadcasting, but no OJ for Jamie.

So to pass the time while we waited for our ride, I made up this elaborate story to tell the kids back home where Shawn and I hooked up with OJ, and he insisted on buying us steak dinners. We chatted pleasantly until our filets arrived. However, when OJ brandished that oversized steak knife, we got scared, panicked, and ran out of the restaurant.

Shawn: "Wait. There's a problem."

Me: "What?"

Shawn: "That story means we would have left our steaks THERE. That wouldn't have happened."

Me: "Damn. That's a big flaw."

I told it to her boyfriend on the drive home, anyway, with lots of embellishments and flourishes. He kind of looked at me like he knew I was lying, but wasn't 100% sure and didn't want to call me out and be wrong.

Then, once I was finished, I swear, the first words out of his mouth were, "Wait. YOU guys LEFT the STEAKS?"

We're so predictable.

I wanted to open presents with Beaker at midnight, but he made me wait for the next morning. After we woke up and were lazing in bed, he handed me a package. I unwrapped a bike lock, and was afraid to hope, so just thanked him politely... then, when I went to the living room to get his loot, I saw the bike parked in the kitchen. It's beautiful, and perfect for me.

I was just smiling at it, and he stood behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and leaned in and said, “I wanted to get you red…”

And I replied, “Don’t you DARE say a disparaging word about my perfect new bike.”

Then he said, "Last year I got you roller skates. This year, a bike. Next year, I want to get you a Jeep." I told him he's crazy. (There’s this weird obsession with a lot of people, and me, and a Jeep Wrangler. I apparently just have the Wrangler “look,” and everyone’s obsessed with helping me find one to get.)

He was only meh about the Insta-snow I got him (big hit with everyone else, though), but absolutely, positively loves the Rare Earth Magnets I bought him.

I know it’s weird, but what can I say? The boy loves magnets.

They are cool, though - so small, but so powerful. He played and played with them all day.

Then, I opened up a new lounge chair in his backyard and caught some sun and read while Beaker fileted fish. Tons of fish. For a while, I came over and sat on the dock next to him while he fileted, watching a HUGE 70 pound tarpon snacking on the skin he was throwing into the canal.

After I went back and lay back down, every now and then Bri would mosey over and spray me with the hose's mist attachment. So nice. I envision many future afternoons of that - him puttering around, me reading and sunning and relaxing, him occasionally misting me. We napped, then showered and I went to cook the lasagna for a surprise dinner I had planned, to be served by the canal.

I'm glad the lasagna was good, because I thought it was so much fun to make. The execution of the outdoor eating was tough, though - I kept the lasagna hot, but the bread got a little cold. Also, I had to carry the table, chairs, place settings, food from Beaker’s apartment to the dock - I'd say it's about 50 yards that never felt so long as after back and forth, back and forth.

He was pretty shocked, but ended up liking it. It was too windy for candlelight, my original plan. We ate in the dark until he remembered this flashlight he has that has a function that makes it a mini lantern.

We went to bed. Had plans to boat and try two restaurants, lunch and dinner, Sunday. Weather was shitty, though, so we lay around all day, watched TV, and ate about a 1/2 pan of lasagna each. Of course, now we’re in a Jamie Vs. Beaker Thunderdome Grudgematch over the leftovers – two pans will enter, only one will leave. Whoever finishes their pan first, is the Lasagna Champion of the World!

I’m totally winning.

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