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03.08.03
That'll NEVER Be Me, Never Be Me!
There are lots of girls I�m never going to be.

I have always known this. I�ve been thinking about it more recently, because lately, I�ve found myself more and more in contact with girls I�m never going to be, and the differences between them and me are stark and obvious.

It�s standing out, because I�ve surrounded myself with people who are a lot like me. For example, I�m 26 years old and going to be in a wedding for the FIRST time this August. (Not counting my flower girl stint at 3 years old.) Lots of girls my age have been in 4 or 9 weddings already. Most of my friends are single, or if they have a boyfriend, they�re not on some marriage warpath.

So, as I�ve realized that there are girls my age who are NOTHING like me, I�ve been forming a list in my head. This isn�t �I�m so superior.� There is nothing wrong with being the girls I�m talking about, whether it�s marrying young or working towards a family. Nothing at all. It just isn�t me, and is never going to be.

1. I�ll never be the girl who compares the jewelry she got for Valentines� Day with the jewelry her friends got.
I got roller skates, and love them. There�s not much to compare, there. Nothing wrong with The Big Jewelry Contest, but in my head, it�s tacky.

2. I�ll never be the girl who knows how to carry on a conversation with a pregnant person.
Recently, I was standing in a triangle with myself, Other Girl, and Pregnant Girl. Other Girl was asking all kinds of insightful and relevant questions. I played in the dirt with the toe of my shoe. When there was a lull in the conversation, I felt that I should also say something relevant to Pregnant Girl, since she was tiny and although she was standing three feet away from me, her stomach was practically touching mine, and avoiding the topic would have been like trying to not ask about a big tattoo that says, �The Love Boat Sux!� on someone�s forehead. Knowing it was her first baby, I asked, �Are you scared?� She shot me a brief look and said, �Well, I�m trying really, really hard not to think about it.�

Okay. Time to stop talking.

Another time, asked a girl in my Tae Kwon Do class if she was planning on going out that night, to be informed that she was pregnant. A few weeks later, she made some comment about things being contagious, and I quipped, �Fine, just don�t give me what you�ve got.� Meaning the baby. I�m so witty.

Yeah, I�m pretty sure she�d lost the baby, because I just got a sad look and dead silence.

3. I�ll never be the girl who is okay with a that weird, guys-watching-TV-while-girls-chat-in-the-kitchen separation that happens in some groups.
In the case of the conversation above, when I asked if the Pregnant Girl was scared, it was girls-stand-around-and-talk-by-the-car-while-guys-look-at-a-boat. I understand that in some crowds, a guy-girl separation is what naturally happens. It�s NEVER natural for me. I�m always wondering what the guys are talking about, and wistfully thinking that it�s probably a better conversation than the one the girls are having about what they got for Valentine�s Day.

In the case of the �Are you scared?� conversation, I felt like such a schmuck that when my friend Ry came over and asked me if I was ready to go, I practically leaped into the side of the car, Dukes-style and was like, �Yep! Okay! Car�s started! Let�s go! I�ll drive!�

4. I�ll never be the girl that cleans up after �her man.�

5. I�ll never be the girl that calls her boyfriend �her man� without irony.

6. I�ll never be the girl who eats slowly and politely.
Unless it�s a mid-day snack, by the time I sit down to eat, I AM STARVING. I�m eating quickly, and I don�t care. Food is a basic human need, people. I�ll be damned if I�m going to chew more than necessary just so I�ll have some food left on my plate while everyone else is still halfway through eating.

Come to think of it, I WILL have some food on my plate while everyone else is still halfway though eating. That food is called SECONDS.

7. I�ll never be the girl who has a plan to get someone to marry her.

It�s just not a high priority for me. Honestly? I�d rather travel than �settle down.�

8. I�ll never be the girl who �settles down.�
If you�ve been reading this journal for 12 seconds, you know this much is true.

9. I�ll never be the girl who is modest in front of other girls.
That�s actually a slight lie. In an effort to be more considerate of others, I�ve been trying to cover up more if I�m changing in front of someone or something. But for me? Parts is parts. I don�t really care if my buddy sees my boobies.

10. I�ll never be the girl who goes to aerobics.
I just fucking hate aerobics.

11. I�ll never be the girl who diets.
I will try to improve the health of my diet, but I�ll never do Slim Fast or The Zone or whatever. My attitude is, �Eh, good enough. Pass the ice cream.�

12. I�ll never be the girl who is ashamed to talk about sex.
It�s time for women to take some initiative in insuring their own pleasure. If you don�t have a boyfriend to talk to, talk to your vibrator. But just talk about it. Trust me.

13. I�ll never be the girl who is also a �lady.�
Have you ever heard of anything that sounds LESS fun that being a �lady?� Ugh.

I�m not rude. But I�m not made of porcelain, either.

14. I�ll never be the girl who is ashamed of the things she did the night before.

If it�s worth doing, it�s worth doing in excess. Don�t let The Man keep you down.

15. I�ll never be the girl who can carry a normal, leather, hip-length purse on my shoulder.
This is a big one. I carry an cross-over-the-chest camera bag to work, and purses at night are carried in my HAND, never on my shoulder. It just looks wrong. It�s like if Freddy Kreuger slipped an engagement ring on his blade.

No one ever believes me about this one until we�re in a department store, and I show them. I find a normal, simple, leather purse, like every female in the world carries. I put it on. My companion falls on the ground, laughing, because it looks so stupid.

I hang it back on the hook.

16. I�ll never be the girl that gives her boyfriend ultimatums that involve �a dog or a baby in three years.�
Okay, maybe I am being a little �I�m so superior� here, because I heard that shit and was like, �Dude. That is some fucked up crap, right there.�

17. I�ll never be the girl who wants something, so she asks some boy while batting her eyelashes and using that baby voice.
I fucking HATE that baby voice. It makes me want to rupture my own eardrums with an ice pick.

18. I�ll never be the girl who plans to have a child and/or a family.
Like the marriage dealio � nothing wrong with it, but not a priority.

19. I�ll never be the girl who blow-dries her hair.

I just hate doing it. Besides, too damn hot.

20. I�ll never be the girl who curls her eyelashes.
Never, EVER got that. I�m convinced my eyelashes look stupid and crimpy and worse after I use that God-forsaken contraption on them. Who does this? I don�t know anyone who actually does this.

21. I�ll never be the girl who flashes her tits for beads.
Just not my cup o� tea.

Besides, you know if I ever did that, it would be on the front page of the paper faster than you could say, �Local Radio Personality Exchanges Nipples For Necklaces.�

This list can be longer, but those are just the ones off the top of my head.

A �Girl Who Is Kind Of Like What I�ll Probably Be� is on her way into the Keys � as I type this, she�s cruising along the 18-mile Stretch of road that connects the islands to the mainland.

Looking forward to a weekend of not being That Girl, and having company while I�m doing it.

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