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The Queen Of Mean
Beaker and I are opposites – this is no secret, and I’m sure I’ve touched on it before. He’s quiet, mellow, a homebody who loves fishing and cooking fish and eating fish. I am loud and wild and ambitious, frequently getting involved in new ventures and trying to have adventures.

He is of the type who would NOT jump out of the plane. I’m going again next weekend.

Beaker also gets uncomfortable when we have to deal with my “fame,” I mean, I’m not J-Lo or anything, but when you’re on the radio, you do get some extra attention. He avoids attention at all costs, and even looks uncomfortable when someone (Shawn) screeches his name too loudly in a public place.

I’m chairing the Relay For Life for our area this year. Beaker surprised me by not only NOT dying of boredom during a committee meeting, but by bursting with ideas when we came home, getting excited and participating in Shawn’s and my brainstorm.

Cut to last week. I get a phone call asking me if Beaker and I would like to run for King and Queen of the B and W Ball. It’s an annual event where 3 or 4 (local, high-profile in the community) couples embark on a fundraising FRENZY, with the ones who make the most moolah getting crowned at the swanky-as-all-getout event.

My main motivation for doing this would be access to the Ball itself, which I cannot afford.

But the first thing I say upon being invited is blurt out Beaker would NOT like to do this, because it’s the truth. I tell her that it’s an honor being asked (and it really is), but I have responsibilities to the American Cancer Society that would directly conflict.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I wondered how Beaker would react if I told him I’d accepted on his behalf. So, like a Folger’s commercial, I decided to find out.

“We’ve secretly replaced Beaker’s private, laid-back lifestyle with some very public, very labor-intensive fundraising to benefit a charity he couldn’t care less about. Will he notice the difference? Let’s watch.”

So I called him after the talk show. He was sleeping on his boat, and slated to fish at 3 a.m.

“Honey, great news! Guess what? Get out of the cabin, okay? Guess what?”

Beaker: “Yes?”

Me: “We were invited to run for K and Q of the B and W Ball, and I ACCEPTED! Now, it’s going to be a lot of work, and for the next two months, we have to put on about a fundraiser a week, but it’s SUCH an honor I just couldn’t turn them down. Great, huh?”

Beaker: “Jamie, I can’t do— What about the Relay?”

Me: “Well, here’s the best part of the plan. I figured I’d keep working on that, and you could be in charge of our campaign for King and Queen! You can put together some snotty expensive dinner parties, and wine tastings, and stuff like that, right? I mean, you’ll only have to arrange one or two events a week. You can handle that.”

Beaker: “I – I have to fish! Jamie, I can’t do all that!”

Me: “I wouldn’t have thought so, either, but you were so enthusiastic after my committee meeting last week, and so full of ideas, I figured you’d appreciate a place to channel all that. YOU changed my mind, baby.”

Beaker: “You call them back and tell them I have to fish.”

Me: “I can’t, Beaker. It’s too late. I already accepted, and they already announced our campaign for the crown.”

Beaker: “I! Have! To! Fish!”

Me: “You are being pretty selfish. This benefits the children’s shelter! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!”

Beaker: “I DO care about the children. But I’m not going to be here half the time.”

Me: “Look. I figure if you spend all your time up here working on this, you can easily plan several mini-benefits a week. And I’ll promote them on the radio! How cool is that of me? THINK OF THE CHILDREN, DAMN IT!”

And on and on it went, poor guy. Finally…

Me: “Beaker, I have good news and good news. The good news is we really were invited. The other good news is that I turned them down, of course. I’m sorry! I love you! Sorry!”

Beaker: “I’ve been standing out side, freezing, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts while you do this to me.”

Me: “Sorry! Go back to sleep. Bye!”

He forgave me quickly. What a guy.

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