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2002-11-04
Damn. We Forgot To Do Kegstands
My friends and I should not be allowed to be near a cake. We clearly just can�t handle it.

On Shawn�s actual birthday Wednesday night, I had so much icing in my hair, that it was bluish and sticking out on the left side of my head. I looked like anime.

We had the Jamieandshawnapalooza Keg Party Saturday night. When we woke up the next morning, there was cake chunks stuck to the outside of our house. At lunch Sunday, I dug a glob of frosting out of my ear. (Yes, AFTER I�d showered.)

We just can�t handle it. I blame Jennifer. She�s a shit-starter, all throwing icing and pouring beer on people. It was a yummy cake, though. Until I got ICING in my EYE. And while cleaning it out, accidentally locked Shawn and the rest of the party out of the house, and couldn�t hear her pounding over my running water and squirting saline and painful, panicked screams, prompting her to throw a tantrum and try to break a window. Other than that�

I would say our party was a success, but I wouldn�t want to do it again for a long time. We all know how I�m laid-back to a fault, and that just doesn�t mesh when planning a fete with Shawn. There�s a little tension, and I don�t like it. We�re not a good team when we�re stressed. She and I should never enter The Amazing Race together. We�d both be dead in a barn in Baghdad somewhere by the third week.

Oh, but back to the party. I developed crushes on two boys and fell in love with friends of friends. My friend Christy�s roommate and best girlfriend Tom is wonderful. Every time he starts a sentence with, �My momma always said�� you�d best listen, because that shit is going to be funny. We had very different Mommas, Tom and me.

I set up a table and chairs and tiki torches outside, and Shawn decorated with balloons and condoms dangling from the ceiling inside. I haven�t drunk keg beer in ages. It was nostalgic and good. I�m constantly amazed at the types of people you meet down here. We just tossed together this group with nothing in common except the good fortune of being acquainted with Shawn or me, and you�d have thought is was the McPartylikearockstar Family Reunion.

Oh, we also made a million Jell-O shots, and I had the brilliant idea to offer then with whipped cream, thereby enhancing the experience and offering the guests the opportunity to make eyes at each other while seductively prying Jell-O away from plastic using only their tongues, while melted whipped cream drips down their chin.

Like porn, but� well, like porn.

By the way, all the condoms are gone, except for one lonely dangler by the TV. I think it�s only there because no one noticed it.

Next year? Maybe. But I�m forbidding anyone from bringing hot cheese dip, or whatever the hell that vile shit was that I did not eat but am STILL scraping out of a crock-pot.

Just cake for me, thanks.

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