Gary to earth� Gary to earth� hello?� hello?� is anyone there? (Houston, I think we have a problem.)

Ever felt this way? Well, my oldest daughter, Jamie, called me tonight, and I can�t help but recall that old, familiar phrase. Of course, I think the only one �home� tonight was me.

First of all, Jamie had a tad too much wine before the call. Then Shawn got on the line, and while I don�t think she was in the same shape as Jamie, well, all we talked about was sex, so I�m not exactly sure.

Some things I think I learned from tonight�s conversation (or, to steal a phrase from a journalist I once loved to follow, �Some Things I Think I Think�):

Jamie�s mom and I never had sex, and Jamie was born courtesy of some holy spirit in a little stable in Bethlehem.

Shawn is looking for the �right guy� after her recent break-up, but Jamie�s Christmas gift to her has brought her a certain modicum of satisfaction in the meantime (you figure it out)� although the �real thing� is much better.

Shawn thinks I�m a pretty good-looking guy, and if she doesn�t find someone soon, we�re a pair. I�m probably staying in Shawn�s room the next time I visit them in Florida (!!!), despite the 25+ years age difference.

Shawn and I may soon be visiting a nudist resort together, and although I would love it, she thinks she would like it pretty fine, too.

Jamie lets go of the phone when she can�t stand the heat of embarrassment.

Other than that, it was a pretty normal phone call, and all I was doing was just sitting in my family room, minding my own business, when the call came in.

Their timing was right on though, because a friend of mine sent me some of the �best quotes ever regarding sex� today, and I�d like to share some:

"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers.

�If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield.

�Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." - Steve Martin.

�My girlfriend said to me in bed last night 'you're a pervert,� and I said, that's a big word for a girl of fifteen'." - Emo Philips.

�I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." - Woody Allen.

�I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." - Woody Allen.

�You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: stuff you pay good money for later in life." - Emo Philips.

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and (He only gives) enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams.

Still, I had the pleasure tonight of having a few moments to myself before they called, so I visited all of Jamie�s diary messages on the computer since mid-December. Couldn�t believe it had been all that long since I last checked in. What fun.

I�m sorry I hadn�t checked in sooner, because it was obvious that Jamie wanted me to write something for her diary after my last trip to Florida. I had a WONDERFUL time visiting with her and Shawn� drinking� dancing� drinking� eating� drinking� ok, I guess you get the idea. But, so much to do in just so little time. I had a great time fishing with Ry, and boy, did he show us how to catch a bundle, then he cleaned them, and what a wonderful dinner (Shawn cooked, Jamie supervised).

Jamie may think she is an �accident waiting to happen� with the New Year�s Eve fall and all (and she is), but she didn�t tell you about how we touched base at about 2:00am on New Year�s Eve night - she in Florida - me in Dallas staying with a great friend - and how wonderful it was to talk and share the experiences of our night. I had probably one of the best New Year�s ever - and I didn�t even get wet (except for that one drink I spilled, but that is a different story)!

I love her lots, Shawn, too. When I visited them in Florida in early December, and (ba-boom) was guest star on Jamie and Kim�s talk show, I thought it would be a pretty innocent experience. Little did I know that they would turn the whole conversation of the show into the last dinner theater play I was in where I was a character in drag: �And, what is your bra size, exactly?�; and, �What size high heels do you wear, anyway?�; and, �Did you ever know that panty hose could be that �hot� to wear?�� guess you get the idea. Talk show hosts take you where THEY want you to go, whether you like it or not (and Jamie, I�m STILL waiting for the tape and photos - I will never send you the food processor you got for Christmas until I get them!).

I�m glad all of you guys check in on Jamie�s diary when you can. I guess I need to make a New Year�s resolution to do it more often� she is so, so special.

XOXO,

Dad

This is Jamie again. I should take this time to make some small corrections, just to set the record straight:

1. I don�t think I was born in Bethlehem, nor, most days, do I think I embody either the first or second coming of any sort of lord or savior. However, I AM firmly convinced that my sisters and I are all adopted, and mom and dad were always just REALLY good friends.

2. There is absolutely no fucking way my dad and Shawn are sharing a room the next time he visits. I mean, the thought of he and my mom hooking up is gross enough - I don�t need icky visions every time I look at my roommate, okay?

3. Same with the nudist resort. What is WRONG with these people? I was sitting RIGHT THERE! I think Dad�s just working overtime to procure his future image as a dirty ol� man. And again with the EW.

Can�t wait to read what he writes next year�