2. Wake up Friday morning, groggy but ready for action. Lay out by the hotel�s pool in the middle of windstorm so strong, some lady�s stroller almost gets blown into the hot tub.

3. Get bunches of tickets to a concert/festival thingy featuring Godsmack, 3 Doors Down, Saliva, and about 20 other bands. Be sure to distribute tickets to your buddies in the Key ahead of time, so you can meet up with all of them there! During the first 10 minutes you are there, sit down in front of a giant, solid concrete structure on which hangs a giant banner of Saddam with a target over his face. In the span of just a few minutes, observe: * A couple making out furiously to your right, not 5 feet away.
* A dude come flying out of nowhere, running full speed at Saddam�s head. Dude obviously doesn�t realize that there�s solid concrete behind the dictator�s image, because he plows into it at light speed. Dude knocks himself out, cold.
* People gather, there�s big drama, but be unable to pay full attention, because at 2 o� clock, some other guy just pushed his buddy over in a port-a-potty, and he�s emerging out the front, pants wet with stuff that we don�t even want to think about.

Most exciting five minutes I�ve had in a long time. I wasn�t sure where to look.

4. Be harassed by a couple of guys who are clearly rolling. Tell one of them fifteen times that NO, you do NOT want to trade shirts with him. When his buddy asks you to punch him in the stomach, resist the urge to open up a can of Tae Kwon Do whoopass, then feel that you�ve done a good deed.

5. Drink beer, mosh your ass off. Help Shawn find her shoe, which she has lost in the pit. Fail. Drive home, eat Taco Bell. Pass out on bathroom floor on way into shower.

6. Wake up, shower. Feel that your hair no longer feels like hair, but a cloud of dust with some hair in it. Blow nose, and notice that even your BOOGERS are dirty.

7. Go to radio station�s annual kid�s event, also known as The Most Effective Birth Control In America. Consider it penance for your sins the night before. And the night before that. And the Saturday night to come. Eat a donut, a hot dog, and a cookie, and realize that the healthiest thing you�ve consumed all day is ketchup. Don�t care.

8. Because the weather sucks, boat trip is cancelled. Enjoy 2 precious hours of lying around before being picked up by a limousine and taken to a fishing tournament banquet.

9. Eat great food. Get introduced to the crowd unexpectedly, and stand up and wave with a mouthful of jerked pork.

10. Help out with an auction. When displaying a large, steel boat steering wheel that is for sale, do NOT get tired of holding it up and decide to just rest it against your front, with your arms over the top. You will not realize it, but your cleavage will be proudly displayed, front and center, through the top section of the wheel. Shawn will whisper, �Jamie! Don�t hold it like that! No one is bidding on the damn steering wheel.�

11. Take the limo to visit EVERY FREAKING BAR IN THE UPPER KEYS. You will be able to name fewer places you didn�t go to, than places you did. There�s a routine, too. Drive up to a place, walk through, say hi to everyone you know, order a drink, look around, decide the place sucks, and spend the next 1/2 hour or so singing loudly in the back of the limo, until it's time to move on. Repeat - over and over and OVER - until about 4 a.m., when it's time to head to a friend's house. When it's finally time to go home, wake up Gretchen who has passed out on a recliner, tip the driver, and collapse into bed. For only a few hours, though.

12. Wake up way too damn early on Sunday morning, and drive Gretchen to the Miami airport. Drop her off, then mall shop all day with your friend Beaker, having a great time buying each other crap. See Identity. Explain what happened to Beaker on the way home. Pass the fuck out in the front seat.

13. Sleep like a dead, loggy log all night long. Monday, you�ll be hoarse, and still a little tired. But you�ll look back at a hell of a time, and it�ll be worth it. Trust me.