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06.12.03
Flap And Zap, Vol. I.
Let�s discuss my balls, shall we?

My eyeballs, you perv.

I feel confident in saying my LASIK surgery was a smashing success. The first clue is that I can see. Duh.

(Sorry I took so long to update � I�m spread a little thin, down here. I got one email asking if I wasn�t writing because I�d been struck blind.)

Being such a well-regarded local celebrity, I received the First-Class LASIK Experience, in that my local eye doctor (Dr. JB) drove me to and from Ft. Lauderdale to get the surgery, and bought me lunch.

LASIK Lesson Learned: Try to become a local celebrity before the surgery, because it�s good for free food and rides.

Several tests have to be performed before they can cut the surface of your eye, flip back a flap of eyeball, then cut away at your cornea until you can see. There are orb scans and questions about whether you are diabetic, and also cornea thickness tests. Every eye doc I�ve seen in the past couple of weeks (there have been quite a few) has oohed and aahed over the thickness of my corneas. Dr. JB told me I have the thickest he�s ever seen. Several doctors may have popped boners within the confines of their business-casual slacks at the sight of my thick, thick corneas.

LASIK Lesson Learned: Thin corneas SUCK!

After my final scan, the nice lady at the center told me it was just about time. That was the first time in the entire process I got nervous. She then casually asked if I�d like a Valium� in kind of a weird tone, as if she expected me to reply, �No, that�s okay. I�m fine.�

Of course, I replied, �YES!�

She didn�t even write me a prescription. Just reached behind a counter and shook a tablet into my trembling palm. Bizarre.

LASIK Lesson Learned: Valiums are complimentary.

As I waited, I noticed a bowl of candy on the receptionist�s desk � good candy. Hershey�s minis and Peppermint Patties. I nervously munched on those and read an insulting article in Cosmopolitan before I was told that there was a well-stocked kitchen just for us patients.

When I entered the kitchen, the first thing I saw was a giant silver tray stacked high with a variety of Krispy Kremes, glowing with an almost heavenly aura. My dumb ass was too full of candy to partake.

LASIK Lesson Learned: Krispy Kremes are complimentary, too. Don�t fill up on the Patties.

I started to get a little nervous AGAIN, because I didn�t feel like the Valium was doing enough to take off the edge. That is, until Dr. JB came out and asked how I was doing, and whether they�d given me a happy pill.

�Yeah, but I don�t think it�s doing anything for me?�

�Jamie, you�re looking pretty buzzed.�

�Really?�

�Really.�

Then, I was called into a room so the surgeon could check out my peepers one last time before I went under the beam. I rested my chin and forehead on the appropriate bits of metal, and Dr. Surgeon leaned in to get a gander.

�Jamie, can you do me a favor?�

�Sure.�

�Can you open your eyes more than halfway? You�re drooping.�

LASIK Lesson Learned: Never underestimate the power of the Valium.

Then, it was time to flap and zap.

To be continued�

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