Reason # 1: I’m Revolting
Earlier this week, the station provided lunch for the employees. After scarfing down a club sandwich and some yummy tortellini pasta salad, I tossed my paper plate and the very last plastic fork in the trash can near the door.
Well, I didn’t know there was cake.
Once I had acquired a piece of said cake, I realized it would be impossible to eat without a fork. Having thrown the last one away, I checked the trash. There my fork was, sitting right on top. No one had thrown anything on top of it.
I sneaked a look around to make sure no one was watching, and fished it out. Noticing that there appeared to be some of my lunch still stuck to the fork, I absentmindedly stuck it in my mouth to clean it off.
As I noticed something crumbly, foreign, and disgusting that was on the fork was now in my mouth, I realized what I had done.
My Brain: “Dude, that’s the most disgusting thing ever. Not only did you use a TRASHFORK, but you took it directly from the garbage into your mouth and licked it clean. You’re never getting laid again.”
I know. That’s why you should not be reading this.
Reason #2: My Pettiness Knows No Boundaries
2. Does anyone have Microsoft Outlook? Do you want to hear the pettiest of my petty, petty pet peeves? I don’t know about anyone else, but when I close Outlook, I get a little box that floats there for about 20 seconds. The box says, “Please wait a moment while Microsoft Outlook exits.”
That little box really pisses me off.
I get all like, “Who the hell does Outlook think he is? Asking ME to put MY life on HOLD while the stupid email program EXITS?! Damn, that burns my blueberry pancakes. Stupid Outlook thinking it’s the stupid middle of the stupid universe. God.”
Sometimes, I respond to the little box. I sometimes just say this in my head, but have to admit that it’s usually out loud:
“Wait a moment? Tell you what, why doesn’t OUTLOOK wait a moment while I exit, huh? That’s right, bitch.”
Please, stop reading the page before you get high blood pressure from someone irritated that easiliy.
Reason #3: I'll Be In Vegas Next Week
That's right. After my company Christmas Party in Key West tonight, I drive up the Keys and into Miami, then fly out to Vegas. For the first time ever. For a week. I can't fucking wait.
Will I get married in the Elvis Chapel of Burning Love? Will Nicholas Cage and I try to drink ourselves to death? Will I strike it lucky and languish in a penthouse suite all week? Will I dance cheek-to-cheek with Tom Jones? Will I lose it all on a frivilous roulette bet and be forced to take a job as a "high class" performer until I earn enough money to make it back to Florida? Will Vegas ban me from ever entering their fair city again by Monday morning?
Who knows? I also don't know what my internet access will be like, so you may or may not hear about it as it happens. This is another reason why you should totally blow this page off.
So let me tell where you should go instead.
Get some holiday shopping done, and help some poor kids at the same time. We're all doing it, and we're all doing it this weekend. Even me. We're all trying to flood the BlueSphere Bank with some nice poor kid cash right before the holidays.
Ready, Set, Go!