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The Ballad of Bill and Jamie
I'm in L.A. I come here about once a year, to visit my friends Gretchen and Shannon. This time, I added an element - I decided to meet up with Billy FadeIn. So here I sit, at his computer, in his apartment. Allow us to tell the story. Here goes:

Jamie: The merging of minds. The mass consumption of alcohol. The fact that Bill and I slept together last night.

That's right.

Bill: Yeah. We just want to get that out of the way. We know you're going to gossip about us, so I'll say this for the record: We barely made out at all. Oh, and...they're fabulous, and they're real.

Jamie: Did you expect anything less? So, let's set the scene. In an effort to make this the complete BeerMate experience, we've assembled some props. LadeeLeroy's mix CD is playing in the background. Jonny is all wet and soapy in the next room. I haven't met his ass yet. And sitting beside me, on the desk, is the fantastic holidays letter that all the Beermates received from our grand poobah, Joey.

Bill: All the elements are there. What Jamie doesn't know is that I've also got a lock of Marn's hair that I keep in a special locket. So, there's that too. (Note: Jamie just read that and disbelievingly said "Nuh uh!")

Jamie: That's because you are a freak. Which I now know on a personal level, since we tore it up last night. We met at a bar that used to be owned by Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Unsurprisingly, it was totally crappy. Bill was late.

Bill: The music was horrible. I felt like an 8th grade school dance was going to break out at any minute. The beers were expensive, and the people...well, they sucked. We didn't stay long. It was there, though, that I first met her friends Gretchen and Shannon. Shannon was nice. Gretchen was Gretchen.

Jamie: And Gretchen's boobs were Gretchen's boobs, as she pointed out to Bill nine times before he even finished his first beer.

Bill: I have to say I enjoyed my brief relationship with Gretchen. Not only did she invite me to openly stare at her breasts, but I full on spanked her ass the next morning after she shoved me out of bed.

Jamie: Bill was on his first beer. I was on my fourth drink. I informed him that he had until I finished that one to get to know me, because after that I was going to be wasted. I am not a liar.

Bill: No, she speaks the truth. She was so wasted, in fact, that I ended up saving her life on several occasions. She thought it was a good idea to wander in front of a car going 40 miles per hour. I disagreed. What followed shortly thereafter was a walk on which she and I both exposed our genitalia (but not to each other), a lot of public urination, and one horrible shoe disaster.

Jamie: Dude, we peed all over Los Angeles last night. AND, I wasn't going to walk out in front of the car. I was going to walk CLOSE TO it. But still, he did yank me out of (pretend) harm's way. My hero. The shoe. My right shoe, which I borrowed from Gretchen, completely exploded. There's no other way to put it - the fucking thing fell to pieces, mid-step. For the record - you should NOT try to repair shoes with gum.

Bill: In my defense, sticking three pieces of Cherry Trident to a shoe seemed like a great idea at the time. This morning, the cobbler disagreed, saying this was not standard shoe repair methodology. Sadly, I wasn't drunk enough to justify what I did at that point. I think I really just wanted to see if gum would fix a shoe. Now I know. We got to a bar on the horridly touristy Sunset strip called Red Rox. Yes, Rox.

Jamie: Time out. When exactly did you get drunk? I remember when I got drunk. But you, I remember you drinking a beer, and then you were wasted, too. Are you a pantywaist?

Bill: Well, yes, first of all. But there was a whiskey that followed the beer. Then there were many more whiskeys at that bar. What did you think of that place? How annoying was their smoking policy?

Jamie: We could only smoke on the patio. Fine. But we couldn't drink our drinks on the patio. So Bill and I solved that by dragging two chairs right over the borderline that separated the two. We held our cigarettes in the hand that was technically outside, and our drinks in the hand that was technically inside. Bill and I are geniuses.

Bill: Yes, for some reason, that was one law we chose to obey last night. We were in full compliance, but only because they probably would have made us stop drinking if we didn't, and that would have sucked. I remember at the bar that Jamie drunkenly went on about something, and I started paying attention when I realized it was about me. She told me that I looked different in person than in my pictures, and, I think I can faithfully quote "fucking hot."

Jamie: I'll just leave that there, and NOT say anything, anything at all, about Beer Goggles.

Bill: I am thankful to liquor, for making Jamie at all attractive. (She just elbowed me in the head for the second time today...the first was at breakfast.) No, in actuality, Jamie is cuter in person too.

Jamie: Aw, shucks. Fast forward to post-Red Rox, where we ended up at some sort of house party. I switched to beer, because, you know. End of night. Time to take it easy.

Bill: $30 cab ride from the bar. I sometimes hate Los Angeles. At the party, there was a short guy in the kitchen who was covered in tattoos. He seemed to be laughing hysterically for no good reason while throwing himself back and forth across the room.

Jamie: See, the crazy people are part of what I LIKE about Los Angeles. And last night, we became two lunatics, ourselves.

Bill: I slowed down at the party too. At first, I just thought I was very drunk, but there didn't seem to be a single working doorknob in that entire house.

Jamie: Yeah, my favorite part was when Bill and I got locked into a bedroom, with some drunk guy lying on a bed. Bill and I try the knob. It came off in our hands. The cab is waiting downstairs to take us home. The drunk guy suggests we "just twist the knob, dude!" Bill's like, "It's IN my HAND. Not attached to the door at all." He and I start to panic. The drunk guy is all, "Chill." How the hell DID we get out of there, anyway?

Bill: All I can really remember is that the room had a cat, a half naked drunk guy watching Saved By The Bell, and a broken door. How it finally opened, I do not know. But we did manage to get down in the cab eventually, and piss off yet another cabbie.

Jamie: Yeah, our drunk asses were pissing off cabbies all over town. And then, we went home. And both conked out on Gretchen's futon. Hence, the sleeping together. Then there was a walk for coffee. Then there was a breakfast of pancakes and eggs, where I both elbowed Bill in the head AND threw his keys and cigarettes at him in the parking lot. Oh! Your car! Your precious, precious white Metro.

Bill: I wasn't going to get all into this, because it doesn't really go anywhere, but I had left my car at the Affleck Bar. I was certain it was going to be towed, and I had left my keys and jacket in Shannon's car at Megan's building. Yes, see how this is incredibly confusing? Toss in a few glasses of whiskey, and the confusion reaches a whole new level. So, we left it there, crossing our fingers. I had a dream this morning that I walked to check on it, and it was fine. I just KNEW it was going to be towed, though. Long story short: We went there in the morning, and it was fine. Not even a ticket. To quote Jamie: "I knew it would be fine."

Jamie: I had a feeling. And now I'm here, at his apartment, at his computer. I'm only sitting on his lap because he didn't want to sit on mine.

Bill: Damn right, woman. Know your place. Besides, you seemed pretty happy to sit on my lap last night. Do you feel awkward now that we took our nascent friendship to that place so quickly?

Jamie: I'd probably feel less awkward if your boner wasn't poking me in the butt.

Bill: You know, this morning, I actually scooched myself out so that it wouldn't. I'm not sure, in retrospect, why I just didn't face the other way.

Jamie: Because it's always difficult to tear your eyeballs away from my radiant beauty.

Bill: That, and you seemed pretty happy to let me cop a feel.

Jamie: Don't tell them ALL of our dirty little secrets.

Bill: I left out the dirtiest stuff. I have a goal of sleeping my way through the women of 12% Beer (Watch out, Marn!), but I'm not sure if I'm going to achieve that this weekend. You're here for another day or so, Jamie. What are my chances?

Jamie: Why don't you buy me a drink and we'll talk about it?

Bill: I wasn't going to hang out with you tonight, but now I think I will. Let's end up at my place though. I hated that futon.

Jamie: Sometimes, when they have to sleep in less-than-stellar circumstances, old people get sore.

Bill: Yeah, I'm sure it was the futon that made me sore.

Jamie: What the hell are we talking about?

Bill: And why are we flirting in this stupid entry when I have you sitting on my lap right now?

(Note - We're taking a break to go talk to Jonny, lest this get out of hand)

Jonny: Two words - three-some!

Jamie: Fine, but it has to be quick, because I'm supposed to be meeting people in about an hour.

Bill: I get to go first, as usual.

Jamie: And it's really, really fast. As usual.

Bill: Jonny is talking about the threesome like it's actually going to happen.

Jamie: He's all, "Whose bed?"

And now, they're discussing all of the BeerMates they've entrapped in their web of sexual seduction. Jonny says that's why Joey had to add more.

Bill: This could really go on forever, and I have to drive Jamie back to Hollywood. Jonny, can you end this for us?

Jonny: "The End."

Jamie: Works for me.

Bill: Me too. Look for more on FadeIn. Commentary, deleted scenes, etc.

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