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05.04.03
Again
So, I�m totally dreading Mother�s Day. I think I told you guys that Shawn�s dad died when she was 17, and she says it�s normal to be really scared of these �firsts.�

�First Christmas Without Mom� wasn�t as bad as I thought it would be. I had a minor breakdown in church during the candlelight ceremony, when I remembered with perfect clarity how mom looked during that bit last year, all peaceful and glowing in the candlelight, singing with tears in her eyes. (What sucked the most was not that I was crying, but that it was deathly silent in the sanctuary at the time, and I was doing that gaspy, hiccuppy, trying-not-to-cry-too-loud-cry� we all know how well that trick works. Like, not at all.) I mean, it was bad, sure. But I was expecting worse.

�First Easter Without Mom� was a cakewalk in comparison. Yeah, she was the only one ever to send candy and gifts, and I missed that, but we had Shawn�s family over for dinner for the first time, and they�re simply a wonderful bunch of people. I even called my dad in Pittsburgh, where he was Eastering with my some aunts, uncles, and cousins. I got to talk to my grandma, who was just getting started with her chemotherapy and radiation. Her voice sounded like shit, but her spirits seemed high, considering.

And everything was fine.

Until dad called me back about a half an hour later, to tell me that they�d called an ambulance for Grandma and she was on her way to the hospital, because she�d had a stroke.

She was gung-ho about fighting the cancer before, but the stroke has done her in. Dad called me this morning saying depending on who you talk to, Grandma has between two days and two weeks to live.

That poor guy. He�s a mess. This means, within one year, he will have lost a wife, a father-in-law, and a mother.

(For those of you keeping score at home, that means, within one year, I will have lost a mother and my last two grandparents.)

I might not be the only person coping with �First Mother�s Day Without Mom.�

I�m sad, but accepting. However.

I know I�ve asked this before, but do you think that after this, I could get a break now? Please?

For half of my life, there hasn�t been one single day where I wasn�t worried about a sick and/or dying family member. I�m really starting to self-destruct, here. I�ve made several decisions this week that were so idiotic, I�m starting to question my sanity.

So I�m just asking for a break. I�ve got my funeral outfit ready to go, and a support system in place for when this one happens. But after this, I would really, really like to stop having people I love die for a while.

It�s gone beyond �unfair.� We�re nearing �ridiculous,� and I�d just like to slow it down for a minute, okay? Someone make all the dying stop for just a few years, at least, and I�ll try not to be so angry that I hurt myself in any sort of serious way.

Okay.

(P.S. I just read that last bit over, and it sounded a little suicidal. I�m not suicidal. Not even close. I just need to make some better decisions.)

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