I sparred in Tae Kwon Do last night, for the second time in my life. The first time, I was paired against the instructor, and then against another woman who was a few belts higher than me. I did OK.

Last night, I pretty much had to whale on this little tiny girl. She's one of those superpetite types, not even 5 feet tall, and skinny. She's also two belts below me. I felt so big. And beefy.

Let's call her... Whitey. 'Cause she's a white belt.

First, a little background.

Whitey used to be paired up with Shawn all the time, 'cause they're both beginners. Whitey also is dating one of the black belts/asst. instuctors. She wouldn't understand something, and so he'd demonstrate it by having them both punch Shawn in the chest like 27 times.

And I guess when they were practicing combinations Whitey would hit pretty hard, and Shawn would hold back, for fear of hurting her tiny little body. One day, Shawn told me she got sick of it, and really punched her in the chest. She says Whitey looked up at her and said, "Whoa there, big girl."

Shawn was like, "Whoa there, BIG GIRL?"

So obviously, Whitey needed an (in the words of Kelly,) A1A Jamie Smackdown.

So the instructor tells us we're sparring each other. And really, I'm holding back. A lot. Because people, she's about 1/2 my size, and I'm not a large person. Meanwhile, my instructor is like, "Jamie, don't be afraid to hit her!"

And I'm like, "Dude, I kind of am."

And he's all, "Yeah, she's going to clock you one, and you'll change your tune fast."

Well, it didn't happen that round. In fact, every time she went to punch me, I just punched her first, and because my arms are about a foot longer than hers, she wouldn't even touch me. Like in cartoons, when the big dude puts his hand on the little dude's forehead, and the little dude is just swinging away, only catching air.

Injury #1: I sort of swung in a circle, and instead of catching her chest with my first 2 knuckes, I slid the last 2 along her chest pad. A white stripe of my flesh immediately appeared on the blue leather. Ick and ow.

The second time we sparred, I kicked, and she grabbed my ankle for a second.

I thought, "Okay, that was an accident."

Then she did it again. The instructor is yelling, "No grabbing! No grabbing!" Over and over.

Injury #2: Twisted knee on my base leg. I limped around last night, but it feels better today.

So that was it. I came at her and kicked her like three times square on. Everyone in the room gasped. I'm not proud of it.

Okay, I am.

Injury #3: Bruised kicking foot.

But it was worth it, 'cause I got to call Shawn and tell her about it.

Don't fuck with me, people. I'll fuck you up and then call your mom and tell her about it.