I had a good time, but in all, it was a rather embarrassing night for me. See, there's always a theme. This year, it was "The Main Event." In other words, boxing.
I got myself all excited to paint a big shiner on my face and tape my hands up, until a promotions meeting where it was decided that we MUST have ring girls (you know, the chicks who hold the round cards and strut across the stage), and those ring girls MUST be Co-Host Kim and me.
I put the smack down on any bikini-wearing, 'cause that's just what I need - a big picture in the paper where I'm not sucking in. Instead, it was decided that this is indeed a classy event, and Kim and I would wear evening gowns. Fine.
Fortunately, I had a slinky, glittery thing in the back of my closet left over from the millenium. So last night, I tossed that sucker on, coated myself in glitter, grabbed my feather boa, and went to the awards ceremony.
It was pretty embarrassing, but we had fun. Every few categories, we would "change rounds," and Kim and I took turns either ringing the bell (big fun) or walking around with the "Round Whatever" card (big embarrassing). Also embarrassing was when one of our more popular local entertainers won an award. He goes by "Big Dick," his band is, "Big Dick and the Extenders," and when he won, Kim took it upon herself to announce into the microphone, that "Me and Jamie LOVE BIG DICK!" Lordy. That's the first thing anyone has talked to me about today.
My friend Eric took some photos of us, and of course the press was there. I was pretty self-conscious the whole time, because everyone else was wearing boxing gear, and I was wearing a freaking gown. Neal and I snacked on the hors d'ouvres and got a little drunk and had a nice time, before we headed home and passed out.
This morning, I wake up and wash about 90 pounds of glitter out of my hair and off of my body. There's a nice sparkly layer in the bottom of the tub now, like in a cave. Glitter streamed out of the faucet when I brushed me teeth this morning, so flossing was not optional. When we flush the toilet, the contents positively sparkle. OK, I'm getting gross. I'll stop now.
So this morning, I realize that my "buy 5 get one free" coffee card has 5 big stamps! Woo-hoo! Free caffeine! So after Neal and I drop my car off at the shop (stupid brakes), I dash into the convenience store where the clerk has a crush on me for my sweet, sweet java. As I'm pouring, the clerk says, "Aaah! You're a big star now, huh?"
Apu: "In the paper! Great big picture of you in today's paper!"
My brain: "Oh, shit. They published a photo from last night. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. That is so embarrassing."
Apu grabs a newspaper and starts rifling through. No shit, he went through the damn thing 3 times before he finally found what he was looking for. Neal is in the car pointing to his watch and giving me the Super Pissy Face. I'm dying a slow death, because I'm certain he's going to open the paper and show a big photo of me drunk, squeezed into a sparkly dress that's slit up to my thigh, with some stupid-assed look on my face, cheesily prancing around the stage and presenting some award to a local business owner.
Finally, Apu finds the article.
Here's how dumb I am. It's a personal profile a reporter did on me. She interviewed me LAST WEEK, for dog's sake. I KNEW the article was coming out today. I just forgot, and panicked.
Apu gave me the paper, and I walked out, so relieved I'm surprised I didn't melt into a little puddle in the Circle K parking lot.
By the way, the article is online, complete with photo. If you'd like to see it, email me REEEEAL nice, and I'll tell you where the link is.
As long as you're not a stalker, you psycho bastard. God.