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It's An All-Star Gretchen Weekend!
Hereís the past weekend update, a little late. I took Friday off, so itís rather long.

Thursday Afternoon: Co-Host Kim and I had a spa appointment. I've never done anything like that, but I'd do it every minute of every day if I could. First, we sit in our own little steam room for a while and get soft yet firm, like steamed broccoli. The steam smelled better than broccoli, though. We weren't sure whether we were supposed to sit there naked or not, but I noticed a robe hook, so we steamed in the buff. However, after sitting there for a minute, I started to panic, because I didn't know how they were going to tell me it was time to run out. I'm not very modest, but I didn't want a spa person to walk in on me naked and think I'm a pervert. So I sneak out, tiptoe over to Kimís room, and peek past her curtain. I saw she was naked too (through a mottled screen door, sickos!), and relaxed in the reassurance that if the spa decided I was a pervert, I wouldn't be the only one. Nudity loves company.

Then, I got a body treatment. This means my naked self lies down on this foam tabley beddy thing while a nice lady rubs grainy, scrubby stuff all over my skin. It felt so nice and squishy, but I almost wish they'd done more. I told my girlfriends later, Spa Lady #1 could have rubbed my boobs and butt for all I care - there was nothing sexual about that treatment. It was just about skin.

Then, Spa Lady #1 lowers this crazy tent thing onto me and steamed me even more, while she put a cleanser on my face. I struggle to stay awake.

Finally, SL#1 rinses me off. I didn't expect that, and it was weird lying there all limp while she hosed the stuff off of me. I kept trying to help, and she kept telling me to cool it. (She was nice about it, though.) Then I bundled back up in my robe and moved on to the facial room.

I tried to remember what the facial lady did, but there was too much. Letís just say it felt good.

In the meantime, Kim and I after spa time are supposed to make it to appear on a talk show's 10th Anniversary show that runs from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. As we are getting dressed, I ask Kim what time she thinks it is. She guesses 5:30. I think, "Like hell it's that early. I've been in bliss for longer than that." We get in the car, and look at the clock. It's after 7. We still have to stop by my house, since we'd spaaed all the deodorant off of us.

In the meantime (more meantime!), Neal was planning to pick up Gretchen, drop her off at the show, then go home to finish his cleaning. The whole way to the restaurant, I pray he didn't just drop her off without checking I was there.

Kim and I literally sprint into the restaurant with minutes left in the show. I give Gretchen a run-by hug, thank Neal for hanging with her (good boy!), and run over to the mics with Kim to say our piece.

My hair is oily from the products they put on my face, but I smell like a little piece of heaven.

Gretch and I hang out with Shawn and bar-hop a bit for the rest of the night.

Friday: We get up, eat some grub, and head to Key West. Check in, then sit around by the pool till the sun disappears. Go in and get dressed.

Friday evening: Make the mistake of eating at Friday's for dinner. Initially a good idea, 'cause Gretchen has some discount cards. But we order the Tex Mex Tower. Don't do that, OK? We were all, "So, wait, Fridays. Let me get this straight. You slice up jalapeno peppers, bread 'em, DEEP FRY them, then suggest we dip then into spicy cheese sauce and eat them. We also accompany that with quesadillas and some nasty-ass nacho things sloppy with ground beef. Well, SIGN US UP!"

Didn't feel so well the rest of the night, but manage to have a good time.

Saturday Morning: Wake up after a couple hours of sleep feeling like complete shit, willing my skull to not split itself in half.

Shower and pack and check out very late.

Walk around Key West for a couple of hours, then begin drive back that feels like it lasts for an eternity. Wish I never have to drive again, but know am taking Gretchen to Ft. Lauderdale the next day.

Saturday night: Get Chinese food with Neal. Play stupid and long game of phone tag with Shawn, and finally just Gretch and I go out at 1 a.m. Have two drinks while gabbing nonstop, then head back home. Watch a little TV, then crash.

Early afternoon Sunday: Get up and track down some breakfast. Not an easy feat where I live at 2 p.m. Shop a little more, then realize my body is just exhausted, and I must lay down for a while before I drive Gretchen anywhere.

Later afternoon Sunday: Make it to the mainland. The motherfucking turnpike is closed, and bitch cop gives us bogus directions. Almost die in a car accident when jackass runs red light. Finally make it to Ft. Lauderdale. Hug Gretchen. Drive home. Enjoy solo drive home, until I make it to the 2-lane road that connects the Keys to the mainland. You see, people are passing in the oncoming lane like crazy. I have to slam on my brakes several times to avoid a high-speed head-on collision. Keep remembering horrible photos fire chief showed me of fatal accidents. Am really, really scared - shaking a little. Fucking awful feeling of loss of control. Totally hate that.

Sunday night: Arrive home, make some dinner. Watch Simpsons' season premiere Neal taped for me. Laugh like a toddler. Collapse. Fall asleep.

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