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8.9.01
Playing Doctor
My new radio show is so damn fun. You all should come, really.

It's in this multi-level, tiki, Swiss Family Robinson tree house kind of a structure. The whole thing burned to the ground almost two years ago, and our show feels like a part of the celebration that the bar has been rebuilt. It's a big locals hangout. The ocean view is fantastic, and sometimes we try to coax people in boats out in the ocean to come up and join us.

My co-host and I decided to kind of do a loose theme every week. Then, I had another stupid idea. We should dress up as the themes, whenever we can.

This past week was Women in Health Care, so I hit up the local hospital for some gear. We were decked out with surgical hats, and we made the guests wear nurse hats. We also had surgical masks. People looked at us like we were insane, but I enjoyed being addressed on the air as "Dr. Jamie" for an hour.

One of the resort's restaurants serves us dinner on the air, so they can brag about their food and try to get people to eat there. This week was special - a big huge lobster, covered in yummy sauce and jumbo shrimp (oxymoron). And obviously impossible to eat on the air.

So Kim and I sit there and stare hungrily at this giant plate of delicious food we can't touch for an entire hour. Once we say our farewells and are clear from the air, we dig in, while the entire bar full of buzzed patrons (ladies drink free during radio show) gazes wide-eyed at us devouring shellfish like savages.

In the middle of a mouthful of lobster, I remember that I'm still dressed as a surgeon, and that I'm a big ham who can't pass up an audience. So I stand up, stick out my hand, and say, "Scalpel."

Kim hands me the knife and repeats, "Scalpel."

"This lobster is going to need 30 ccs of butter and 20 ccs of lemon."

"Right away, Dr. Jamie."

"STAT!"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Oh, no! Code red! We've eaten all the shrimp! CODE RED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

"OK, everyone back up! CLEAR!"

"The lobster is back. Yes, I can see some stuffing there. Good work, everyone."

"Thank you. Let's prescribe 8 milligrams of broccoli and start in on dessert."

You get the idea.

Once we're done operating, we both realize we need to wash our hands. So Kim and I push through the crowd on our way to the bathroom with our hands held out in front of our heads, like they do on TV. But no one got it. They all just stared at us like the lobster-grease covered freaks we were. That's comedy gold, people! How could they not laugh at that?

Another perk - We're comped at the bar all night. Now, that's an obvious bonus, but there's a hidden bonus, too.

Tourist guy: "So what are you girls drinking?"

Me: "Eh?"

Tourist guy: "What are you drinking?"

Whether we like it or not, tourist guy has just opened up the Conversational Door and stuck his foot in the crack.

Me: "Are you trying to buy us a drink?"

TG (blinking with surprised look): "Um, yeah."

Me (smiling disarmingly): "Well, thank you. But we're comped at the bar, so there's no point in you wasting your money."

Hear that? That's the sound of the Conversational Door being slammed soundly, but politely, shut.

I love that.

So, what? I'll see you guys there next week?

The theme is Women in Education, so... that's right.

I'll be the girl dressed as a teacher.

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