Along the same lines are the people who simply must blame someone. Anyone will do, but nothing is an accident. I've known a couple of those people my entire lives - they aren't bad people. I think they just need a damn reason for everything that happens, and unfortunately, that desire sometimes shifts into finding unnecessary fault in others. The problem arises when a Chronic Blamer realizes that when you hang out with me, many, many accidents will happen. I'm a magnet. But any time I've pointed out to the Chronic Blamers that they're stretching for a Blame Victim, they almost always step back and see it, too. I told you they aren't bad people.

One of my biggest flaws is a tendency to blame myself for things. I don't simply take responsibility, or feel guilty about things, or look for an explanation. I realized about a year and a half ago that my entire life, I've absorbed lousy situations, then actually searched for a way to take the blame, whether it was my fault or not. Since I don't have the ability for psychological self-analysis, I'm not going to try to determine whether that's just an emotional branch of my control freak tendencies, or the result of being so clutzy that I automatically apologize when I hear a crash, because chances are, I dropped something.

Man, I used to beat myself up. For 22 years! I was far worse than the Boss from Hell, the most abusive lover or the cruelest parent. Here's the routine:

1. Something Happens.

2. That thing may be a bad incident, as incidents sometimes are. (Examples: parents fighting, friend's car wreck, tense situation at work, unsatisfying orgasm.)

3. Usually, the Bad Incident has nothing to do with me, but I'm an observer or a friend of a friend - essentially, and extra in that particular scene of Life.

4. My mind starts racing, interpreting the Bad Incident, empathizing with those involved, and absorbing what happened.

5. I begin the mental contortionist reverse justification act of trying to take responsibility for the bad thing. Man, I've gone through some brain gymnastics, just struggling to accept the blame.

I'm much better about this, and I'd be remiss if I didn't give credit for that to Neal. I know it seems like a blindingly obvious lesson, but he taught me how NOT to take the blame. He was the first person in my life that grabbed me by the shoulders in the middle of the brain gymnastics, looked me in the eye, and said, slowly and clearly, "Stop it. This is NOT YOUR FAULT."

It's been a fabulous thing, really. Now, I haven't been able to go cold turkey. Like I said, it's been a year and a half, and I still occasionally catch myself struggling, finding a way to assume blame. But I am much, much better. And naturally, happier for it.

However.

Neal and I are working some things out right now, and it hasn't been all kittens and snowflakes. It's nothing too serious, so don't worry. It's just that we, like every other human being around, have a series of identifying personality traits. Lately, some of his traits and some of my traits are butting heads.

I'm not talking about learned behaviors or habits. Those can be changed. I'm talking about things that make up the way we are - things that even if we wanted to, we couldn't change. Neither of us even realize that we ARE this way... we just ARE. That's it. So we need to work out how to live this way. It's hard.

I don't know what to take responsibility for anymore. We're not fighting in the sense where one of us screwed up, or we're angry for a particular reason. I like to think of it as us working out a puzzle, and each discussion (I hope) slides another piece into place. What's so hard is, neither of us are silly kids, flitting around playing house and working on a doomed "relationship." I'm in love with him, I want to fix this, and I want to take responsibility for the things that really are my fault. I think Neal does, too.

But I have a problem. I'm in the most danger of falling back into the old "Blame Myself" problem when I'm upset, frustrated, or just stressed out. The way it's been around my house lately has me upset, frustrated, and stressed out.

Right now, I'm in the unique and testy situation of trying to balance and apply the good things Neal has taught me about releasing blame, without using them as an excuse to absolve myself of responsibility. Because this situation is so hard sometimes, I want to try to wiggle out. There's just that point when I've been talking and yelling, and I'm tired and thirsty, and I feel like the pit of my stomach is too exhausted to handle any more emotion. What's the saying? Oh, yeah - Stop the ride, I want to get off.

Every time I recently have reached that point, I find myself at a crossroads.

Am I shifting blame, because I hear my voice when I'm talking to Neal and I can't believe how ugly it sounds? Am I so desperate to separate myself from this argument, I'll use what Neal taught me, but instead of accepting fault wrongfully, I'll avoid accepting it just to keep myself from admitting that I'm to blame for something that hurts so damn bad?

Am I accepting the blame too readily, to just END this discussion so I can give my heart a break?

Or am I trying to pin the blame on the donkey in a situation that's just that - a situation? Maybe this isn't Neal's fault OR my fault?

I don't know, and I don't have any answers. Damn it. But I will soon. I hope.