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4.20.01
Can I Get Off Now? No? Ok.
This week has been one of the biggest roller coasters I�ve ever ridden.

For various reasons, all I can say is I�ve spent most of the past few days dealing with a problem at work. It�s a problem I never imagined I�d face. It�s been incredibly difficult.

After all that, I got a call from my dad last night, as I was walking out the door to go to a talk show.

It�s mom. Her latest round of chemotherapy ended eight months ago. At that time, her brain tumors had either disappeared, or were shrinking. That�s no longer the case.

Her MRI earlier this week shows that she�s had a relapse. Three new tumors, the largest 8 mm. They�re going to administer a more intense version of chemotherapy one week from today, if I remember that date correctly. I wasn�t aware a more intense version existed. They were already inserting a tube and spraying the drugs right onto her brain. Now, they�ll be going in and putting chemo directly on the tumors. She may have to have one of those metal crowns screwed into her skull. She is not very happy about it. It�s called Gamma Knife radiation. Now, doesn�t that sound like a day at the beach?

She was essentially cancer-free for almost a year. Huh.

I�m feeling strangely numb and detached from the whole thing. After I told Shawn, she was kind of looking at me like she thought I might cave in.

I realized that I�m so used to hearing, �Mom�s cancer is back,� that my reactions are no longer based on the disease, but the intensity of treatment my poor mommy will have to endure.

I�m afraid my physical distance has led to a kind of emotional detachment. That isn�t very surprising, because I�m a �flee-er.� I run away from trouble. When I was living at home, every time we�d get bad mom news, I�d disappear. Sometimes for a couple of days. I�m not proud of it, but I can�t really help it.

Fight or flight? I�ll take flight, thank you very much.

But like I said, the whole news has undertaken a rather surreal quality, like I�m watching a movie of someone else�s life. My primary emotions right now are excitement about the tomorrow�s Kids Show, and wariness about the work problem. I hope I�m not becoming jaded.

Well, you know what? I�ll talk to my mom on the phone today, and all of this will come crashing into my chest.

It�s never going to stop, huh?

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