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4.12.01
Handcuffs And Girls With Tails: Easter, Jamie-Style
Scene 1.
Wednesday, mid-day. My friend and co-worker Shawn comes walking up to my desk wearing fuzzy pink bunny ears. She's carrying a basket of plastic eggs. Shawn then proceeds to turn around and show me the fuzzy pink bunny tail she has pinned to her ass.

Me: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Shawn: "Is my tail too big?"

Me: "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Shawn: "Hey! Jamie! Is my tail too big?"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHA!"

Shawn: "Come on!"

Me: "Wait... heeheeheehee!"

Shawn: "You asshole."

Me: "Give that girl a raise!"

Scene 2.
Yesterday afternoon. My brilliant idea to ride along with a police officer on his or her shift, and then feature said officer as a guest on my talk show, has just been cemented for this weekend.

Me: "Hey, you know how I was going to do that ride-along, and then have the cop as a guest?"

DJ: "Yeah."

Me: "Well, I booked one."

DJ: "Cool."

Me: "It's a holiday weekend, so lots of drunkards."

DJ: "Of course."

Me: "Oh, and get this. I'm not just doing a squad car ride-along. The cop is doing a shift on a jet ski Sunday, so he suggested I come along for that, too. That should be really interesting."

Pause.

DJ: "Just make sure you keep a tight hold on his night stick, honey!"

Me: "Ha. Ha. Ha."

Great. Now I'm going to spend the whole time Sunday suppressing giggles, trying not to think about the dude's night stick.

So this Easter holiday, I'll be straddling a cop while zooming along over the ocean, keeping a keen eye out for drunken boaters and naked Spring Breakers. Then I'll jump into the police car soaking wet, where I'll observe an officer working to subdue drunken tourists and nab crack dealers. I'll be eating Cadbury Eggs and marshmallow peeps the entire time, too.

It just fills you with the warmth of the Easter spirit, doesn't it?

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