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3.14.01
Tourist Tips, Part One
Dear Tourists,

I actually like tourist season. I think it's cool to see all of you gather on the islands for a little fun in the sun. It's amazing to me how far people come, and I thoroughly enjoy cruising the grocery store, listening to all the different languages and accents.

There's just a couple of things maybe you could work on. If you all would all just be kind enough to follow the rules below, I, and many others, would be so damn happy to continue to take your money and cut you off in traffic, like normal.

Love,

Jamie

P.S. Neal hates you.

HOW TO BE A GOOD FLORIDA KEYS TOURISTS, SO THAT LOCALS DON'T FEEL LIKE CHUCKING YOU OFF A DOCK, PART ONE

Now that I've lived here for a year, I get to be a smug know-it-all. Really. It's on the back of my driver's license.

1. This is the most important rule of all, so it's number one. We realize that it's beautiful down here. It is. That's why we live here. However, I feel I should tell many of you... the speed limits on most of our roads are 45-55 mph. Please, for the love of God, do NOT drive 30 miles an hour.

There is one famous road called, "The Stretch." It is the connecting drive between the mainland and the Keys. With the edge of the lush Everglades serving as a backdrop for the Florida Bay on one side and expanses of ocean framed by life-giving mangroves on the other, it is stunning. I know. But if I get behind another person driving 30 miles an hour while slowly looking left and right and left again, I am going to get out of my car, run up to your minivan, knock on the window, and loudly inform you that the speed limit is indeed set at 25 miles faster than you are choosing to travel.

In other words, step on it. We live and work and need to get places ("places" usually being a bar where we can drown our road rage in a tall glass of Key West Ale or that fabulous Bahamian beer).

2. When you ask for directions, please say thank you. This isn't New York, where we'll give you shitty directions to vindicate our own bitterness at the world. We live in paradise, we're happy, and we're happy to share it.

And if you come into the station WHILE I'M WORKING, interrupt me, and ask where the beach is, you damn well better thank me when I take time out of my busy day to tell you where you can get sunburnt. Unlike that couple yesterday.

3. Keys residents get discounts on food, service, and merchandise, simply because we live here. You don't. All we have to do is flash some ID. There are also some beaches and bars where they waive the entry fee for locals. This isn't really a tip for tourists. I just think it's fucking cool.

4. The ocean is not your garbage can. Neither is the beach. Pick up your fucking empty beer bottles, and if you don't, do NOT have the gall to be indignant and mildly violent when an old Conch calls you out on it.

The ocean isn't your toilet, either. The residents are right now facing the possibility of shouldering hundreds of millions of dollars in sewage treatment systems, because half the world traveles here, and as a result, uses the potty here. This is not directly your problem, I realize. But please keep this in mind, and try not to further the problem by whizzing directly on the beaches or the reefs. Learn to hold those margaritas, my friends.

5. There is one main road through the Keys, and most things are off of that road. It's called U.S. 1, there are distinct mile markers in both directions, and there's an oceanside and a bayside. Directions are given like this: mile marker 101, Oceanside. Cool, huh? And a dream come true for the sense-of-direction-impaired, like me. Now for #5, I'm going to give you an answer to an incredibly stupid question that gets asked all the time down here. It's documented in our Visitors' Center, it's asked so frequently. This way, you don't have to humiliate yourself by asking it.

A: One mile. The mile markers are ONE MILE apart.

Stay tuned for Part Two...

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