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3.5.01
Wait, Jamie? Your Entries DO Get Kinda Long Sometimes. I'm Just Saying.
So Neal and I went to see a comedian Saturday night. I booked us because I was under the incorrect impression that Neal had never been to a comedy show. That impression was just plain wrong, and I'm not sure where it came from, but whatever.

Foreshadowing: When the comedian's ad said the Guiness Book of World Records named him "The World's Funniest Comedian," because he told jokes non-stop for several days... well, that should have told me somthing.

Although "politically correct" is dirty words these days, I confess, I am. I'm a militant feminist, anti-racist, anti-homophobe, etc. Now, I accepted ahead of time that one cannot enjoy 99% comedians with this state of mind, so I decided to relax my opinioins before the evening even began.

Neal and I arrived at the club. There was one of those awkward moments when there's a dozen people sitting in a group chatting and ignoring you, and you don't know where to go or what to do.

More Foreshadowing: I turned to Neal as the show started at 8:30 p.m. and said I wished we'd picked up the champagne we planned to have that night before we left, but since we were running late, that's why we didn't think about it. He thought for a second and said, "The grocery is open till 11. (No 24-hour grocery SUCKS.) I'm sure we'll be out of here be then." Me: "Oh, yeah. You're right."

The other audience members started arriving. Their median age was about 60. The people at our table were saying things like, "I hope he's G-rated, because otherwise I won't get it." and "Ooh, it feels good to have a glass of wine. We haven't had a drop of alcohol in 4 months." Neal and I looked at each other in alarm. We ordered another round.

And the comedian started. He was weak at first and then picked up. By the end of the first half hour, he'd only said a couple of off-color things, and I was able to take a deep breath and get past them. Neal and I had both cracked up a few times, too. We were having a good time after an hour. We were having a good time after an hour and a half. We were having a good time at 2 hours, but I started gathering my things and we paid our bar tab, thinking the end of the act was near. Then, not only was a certian comedian getting a little long-winded, he was also getting more daring. And sexist. And gay-bashy. And RACIST. People, he made fun of black people. Not, "Oh, the cultures are different and it's funny sometimes." More like, "Wow, aren't those black people dumb and boy do they like to play basketball a lot." I didn't know people still did this when they weren't wearing their white hoods.

A half hour later...

Me: "Have you had enough funny yet?"

Neal: "YES. But we're blocked in."

Me: "Shit."

Neal: "You want to walk to the bar next door and get a drink?"

Me: "YES."

Outside were several other folks who had also had enough funny, but were also blocked in. Neal and I went next door and drank cheap white wine. We sat at the bar for at least a half hour, before we could see the club emptying out.

Comedians everywhere, hear my word.

I don't care of God comes down from the heavens and annoints you the funniest person alive. I don't care if you're the McKenzie Brothers. I don't care if you're Bill Cosby 100 years from now back from the dead with boxes of Pudding Pops for everyone in the audience. I don't care if you're the hybrid of every good cast member ever to appear on Saturday Night Live. I don't care if you're Jerry Seinfeld on your death bed, and Kramer, George, and Elaine are your opening act. I don't care if you're Homer Simpson come to life.

THREE AND A HALF FREAKIN' HOURS IS TOO LONG FOR A STAND-UP COMIC SCHTICK.

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