A few months ago, Shawn and I had an (non-showbiz-related) argument that caused a little tension. Things are fine now, but for a while there, we were keeping our distance. That�s why I didn�t join her and our friends Bubble and Chris for a night of bar-hopping.
Of course, they came home completely ripped, and gleefully informed me that during the night, they decided to form a Christian Rock band called �The Salty Bible Lickers.� They had worked out that Bubble and Chris would play various useless instruments � a harp, a triangle, a xylophone, and something else � and Shawn would be the lead slurrer� er, singer. They had even written the chorus of their first hit single.
Later, Bubble coerced Shawn into recording that single into his cell phone, which he played loudly, repeatedly, and frequently. Until he blessedly dropped that phone into the ocean. (THAT was an act of God�s mercy.)
A few weeks ago, Bubble accepted a new job in Central Florida, so he came over before he left for a night of drinking games, a Bubble, Jamie, and Shawn tradition. This cumulated in our performing The Salty Bible Lickers� soon-to-be-a-hit first single live for our brand new� oh, God, we didn�t� yes, we did� landlord. Oh, God. Shawn sang, and Bubble and I provided the necessary guitar riffs (sans guitar, of course) after each line.
Bubble�s official going away party was 3 days later, and his former (my current) boss encouraged everyone to attend, and bring a gag gift. I racked my brains, but couldn�t think of anything�
� until 3 hours before the start of the party, when I realized that Shawn and I should record The Salty Bible Lickers� first album.
She came by the station after work. In the meantime, I solicited the help of a co-worker/producer, began the Ultra-Meaningful Liner Notes, and searched for a graphic for the album�s cover.
Here is an abbreviated version of the liner notes:
First and foremost, The Salty Bible Lickers would like to thank God for blessing them with the incredible amount of talent and drive that allowed this single to happen. We would like to acknowledge our God-given �talent� in the following areas: triangle, xylophone, harp, harmonica, pipe organ and any number of other instruments which we may very well be blessed by God with a miraculous ability to play harmoniously, should we ever decide to pick them up. And of course, we�d like to thank God for the ethereal, harmonious sound of Shawn�s singing voice � truly God�s gift. In addition, we�d like to thank God for blessing us with Shawn�s ass, and all its shakability. There are also some non-celestial beings that deserve thanks. Thank you to Clear Channel Radio for employing two of us and our dear friend and fine, upstanding Christian Jamie Mylastname, allowing us the opportunity to meet our singer, Shawn. (And for providing some last-minute background �singing� on this very album.) We�d also like to thank the alcohol so freely available the night of our first tour at Dillon�s, Oceanview, Ziggy�s, Bentley�s, and we think that�s it, but aren�t 100% sure, allowing us the artistic freedom to create the single you currently hold in your hands.
In God�s Love,
Shawn Herlastname, Bubble Hislastname, and Chris Whatshisname.
Amen.
(Shawn went over this with me and filled in some holes, but as we were finishing it, we both stopped and just stared at each other when we realized that neither of us had ever knows Chris�s last name. We knew the guy for months, Shawn formed a band with him, and we had no clue as to his full name. When I gave Bubble the CD and told Chris why he was listed as �Whatshisname,� he commented that our not knowing is probably a GOOD thing. I don�t know what he was worried about � Shawn and I stalk VERY rarely.)
Shawn arrived, ready to rock. I sat in front of the computer, with a mic in my face, and she was behind me, wearing headphones. And here�s how the song went:
Shawn: �I gotta bible and I don�t know what to dooo!�
Jamie: �Da-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH!�
Shawn: �I read through chapters� ONE and TWOOO!�
Jamie: �Da-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH!�
Shawn: �Jesus is comin��. Comin� for YOUUUU!�
Jamie: �Da-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH!�
Shawn: �YOU gotta bible and you don�t know what to� DO!�
Jamie: �DA-NUH-NUH-NUH-NUH!�
At the end of the session, we just weren�t satisfied. I suggested a moving accapello power ballad, and Shawn agreed. For that version, Shawn warbled out the lyrics, and I replaced the �Da-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH�s with �La-la-la-la-la�s. Fucking beautiful.
But still� something was missing. We both agreed that the album needed a third cut to be ready for release.
But what could that missing piece possibly be?
While we were considering this, I did a search for some Jesus graphics for the CD cover. Right off the bat, I stumbled upon a large painting of Jesus�s head. Superimposed was a bizarre cartoon - like, we�re talking Peanuts and Fox Trot, here � of the crucifixion. The finishing touch was the inexplicable cartoons of giant candles also superimposed, to either side of the crucifixion. It was horrible.
It was perfect.
Finally, I realized what the album we needed�
A hardcore gansta rap.
These was going to take some doing, because I had to both beatbox and perform my riff stylings at the same time, and well, I only have one mouth.
I made do, while Shawn proceeded to completely fuck up the lyrics, over and over again. Finally, I turned to her and said, �Shawn. Seriously. I�m light-headed from the beatboxing. If you don�t get this right soon, I�m going to pass out. Besides, the palms of my hands are covered in spit.�
Finally, she got it right.
Shawn: �This is to all the Jesus-loving brothas in da hiz-ouse! I gotta bible and I don�t know what to do!�
Jamie: �Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo!�
Shawn: �I read through chapters� ONE and TWO!�
Jamie: �Word to the Virgin Motha!�
Shawn: �Jesus is comin��. Comin� for YOU!�
Jamie: �Raise the church roof, y�all!�
Shawn: �You gotta bible and you don�t know what to� DO!�
Shawn: �That was for the Christian homies! Word!�
You can pre-order The Salty Bible Lickers� debut album on Amazon.com.
