Speaking of swinging wildly, Neal and I are still very much up in the air. We had an emotional conversation yesterday where we almost broke it off, then somehow we managed to realize we shouldn't make huge, life-altering, heart-breaking decisions while we're both hysterical.
It really comes down to three sad facts.
- We can't be in a long-distance relationship forever. Or much longer, really.
- Based on our past, there are certain guarantees he cannot give me by the deadline we mutually set for the long-distance arrangement.
- I need certain guarantees before I even CONSIDER leaving my job, shows, friends, and a place I love and moving to a place I hate.
We appear to be at an impasse.
Don't I sound cold and calculated? That's just a facade. I'm a mess inside. I've cried more in the past few days than I have in the past few years. Thank God for Shawn - that girl is willing to sit down with me night after night and rehash the same shit for hours. THAT is a good friend, and I'm lucky to have her. Not to mention, she's the only bit of optimism I have about the whole JamieAndNeal mess. I'm having a hard time seeing a positive outcome, but Shawn has seen Neal and me together and has incredible faith in the way we feel about each other. She reminds me that it's worth fighting for, and not just because I'm brokenhearted, but because there's something big and great there.
I just have no idea how to win that fight.
Saturday is not only the race, but my friend Shannon is arriving for a visit. We're picking her up in Ft. Lauderdale, then heading for our hotel in South Beach. I'm sure you all have figured out that I'm looking forward to this visit like I'm a donkey with one of those sticks stuck on my back dangling a carrot in front of me. Or something.
But I need a change of pace, and I need some fun. It's been all work and running and angst around here lately. Shannon is very relaxing, and I can totally be myself around her.
The weekend after that, my Aunt Laura arrives with her wild friends. The weekend after that, my dad rolls into town. I'm looking forward to seeing all of them, man.
Of course, all these plans are contingent on me surviving the race Saturday.
ithinkicanithinkicanithinkican...
Yeah, I'm a dork.
