I suppose I should explain how this came about. I found myself defending my political views over and over again yesterday. I finally had to boil it down to this:
At this point, I don't particularly like either of the candidates. I just voted for whom I my beliefs and my gut told me I had to. Being a major swing state (the count is still out in Florida!) further dictated my decision.
That led to the following Open Letter To Al Gore...
Dear Al Gore,
I used to be very fond of you. But now, I'm mad at you. I'm mad at you for lying, especially continuing to exaggerate after you came under fire for doing so. I'm pissed at Tipper. And I'm mad that you acted so rude during the last debate. I REALLY wish you hadn't done that, because you had some momentum going, and for a second there, I thought I was going to have to take back all my cynical statements about how this presidency has already been promised to Bush. But you had to go and act all boorish. I don't know.
I guess I (sniff) MISS the Gore I used love. The one who talked about smoking a doobie on MTV. The one who was staunchly pro-environment, until it looked like that stance might cost you some votes, so you recoiled like so many endangered species of snake. The Al who kissed his wife hard in front of a shitload of people. The one who wasn't afraid to take stricly leftist stands on social issues, like abortion and gun control.
What happened, Al? Was it something I did? Can we just talk about it?
Please?
I know you're busy now. But if you would just call me or something, I know we can work this out. Deep down, I still care about you, baby. I do. I just need to discuss some stuff, that's all.
So come on, Al. Maybe this election thing is just making you crazy. I understand! It's a lot of stress! It's making me a little nuts, too! Just stop acting like an utter boob, OK? OK.
-Jamie
Imagine my surprise when Al replied.
Dear Jamie,
The love is still here, baby. Really, it is. Hell, I would kiss you in front of a shitload of people just to prove it ... you're a helluva lot more woman than Tipper could ever be, if you know what I'm sayin.'
I've just been working so hard trying to secure this presidency. I've been under pressure.
It's been a tough road. Look at my schedule. I have to stay up until 5 a.m., shaking hands with grubby coal miners in the rain. I have to kiss smelly babies. I'm forced to go to the keggers that Bill keeps throwing in the Oval Office... and he always buys Natty Light. And I have to endure all this with a smile on my face.
That takes a lot out of a man.
And then I have to stand up to George W. Bush and debate with his frat boy loser ass. What the ... ?! Seriously, I cannot comprehend how such an idiot, pansy weasel could be my competition. It's degrading. It's idiotic.
And frankly, it's just annoying.
I might have looked pushy during the debates, but seriously, it was all I could do to stop myself from bashing the butthole upside the head.
George W. is like the playa' frat boy who would always try to pay you to write his term paper for him ... and then he'd invite you to a Delt toga shindig and try to get you drunk off of schnaps.
Whatever.
I'm the guy that would slow dance to Beatles with you. I would feed you strawberries and chocolate and woo you with my knowledge of Jack Kerouac. I would give you champagne and lay you down on satin sheets. And I could discuss foreign policy all the while.
I'm still your Al. I'm just lonely, Jamie. I hurt. Don't lose faith in me.
I'm just a man, standing here before you, asking you to love me.
Kisses,
Al
Of course, now that I had Al's attention, I couldn't resist asking the burning question on everyone's minds.
Dear Al,
On the cover of Rolling Stone... well...
Was that bulge in your pants all you?
Wondering,
Jamie
Al's reply...
Dearest Jamie,
They don't call me an environmentalist for nothing ...
I'm all about the wood.
Yours,
Al
Well! That certainly clears that up.
Now, here's the best part. I think old Al has taken a shine to me. Because... despite the flurry of votes being recounted while constituents cross their fingers tightly, Al has promised to take time out of this busiest of days...
to answer YOUR letters.
That's right. He so enjoyed the one-on-one contact I was able to provide, he craves more. And he craves it from YOU.
So here's what you do. Click on the message board on the left, or the link below. I've started a brand spankin' new topic, especially for your letters to Gore. Notes of devotion, hate mail... he looks forward to it all.
