Me: "Hello?"
Neal: "Hey, baby."
Me: "Hi! How was your day?"
Neal: "Really, really good. Wanna hear that funny story I emailed you about?"
Me: "Yeah."
Neal: "Okay. First, I have to give you some background. My building is brand new, and huge. Seriously, it's like a quarter-mile across."
Me: "Hey, good! Maybe you'll actually get some exercise!"
Neal: "True, but it sucks for my blown knee."
Me: "Oh, yeah."
Neal: "The building has 2 cafeterias, a Starbucks, and a gym. It's great. But it's also a little weird around here for me so far. I went to orientation this morning, and that was fine. But they haven't yet filled the position of my immediate manager, and everyone here is CRAZY busy. So I didn't really have anyone to show me what to do, so after orientation, I was bored."
Me: "Did you go to lunch with anyone?"
Neal: Yeah, a nice guy. After that, they just kind of left me, and I headed to my pubicle, but-"
Me: "BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Neal: "HA HA HA HA HA!"
Me: "I can't believe you just said 'pubicle'!"
Neal: "I can't believe I just said 'pubicle'!"
Me: "Tee hee hee. What kind of Freudian slip is THAT?"
Neal: "I miss your giggle. Anyway, that's not even the story. So all afternoon, I’m totally alone in my cube, and it’s empty, because I hadn’t gotten my laptop yet. No computer, no nothing. And I have nothing to do until 4 p.m., when this guy is supposed to take me around and introduce me to a bunch of important people. So I’m sitting there.”
Me: “And sitting there.”
Neal: “Right. I’ve read all my orientation manuals and stuff. Hell, I read EVERYONE’s manuals, even the people in different departments. I was so bored. So I decide to hike the 5 miles across the building to Starbucks and get a coffee, to kill time.”
Me: “What about your knee?”
Neal: “It was okay. When I get there, the guy is closing up, and I don’t want to force him to make a whole new coffee, so I just grabbed a Frappuccino. When I walked back to my desk, I shook it, up and took a sip. You know how I shake drinks really hard?”
Me: “Oh, no.”
Neal: “Wait till you hear. After I took one sip, I set it down and didn’t put the lid on. Not thinking, I reach for it, and shake it again. HARD.”
Me: “Oh, my God.”
Neal: “Jamie, I shook the entire drink, minus a single sip, directly into my own face. It was all over the cubicle, all over my clothes. I had Frappuccino DRIPPING from my HAIR. And the cubicle is completely empty – nothing.”
Me (between hysterical laughter): “What did you DO?”
Neal: “Thank God I had a pullover. I mopped up most of it with that, and I had a handkerchief in my pocket, so I used that on my hands and face. I was happy then that I DIDN’T have a computer – I probably would have ruined the keyboard.”
Me: “You’re still the youngest person I’ve ever seen carry handkerchiefs, but I have to admit, those suckers do come in handy.”
Neal: “No kidding. Anyway, I can’t do anything about the big wet coffee spots on my pants.”
Me: “What color pants?”
Neal: “The grey ones.”
Me: “Way to go. You don’t wear black pants for once in your life, and you take an iced coffee shower.”
Neal: “So now I’m sitting there SWEATING, praying that those guys don’t show up to take me around and introduce me to people before my pants dry. And although I got most of the coffee off my face, I couldn’t wash it, so it’s freaking DRYING in a sticky mask on my face and hands. “
Me: “Gross.”
Neal: “You know how I HATE having things on me.”
Me: “Yes, you do.”
Neal: “Fortunately, the pants dried before they came to get me. I did work up the courage to tell one guy the story, but in that version, I screwed the cap on, but LOOSE.”
Me: “Of course. ‘Cause otherwise, it’d be stupid.”
Neal: “Hey!”
Me: “Come on.”
Neal: “Oh, okay.”
Me: “Hey, I just thought of something.”
Neal: “Yeah?”
Me: “Thank GOD you couldn’t get a HOT coffee.”
