Insomnia’s been the bane of my existence for a long, long time. Sleeping is a nightly challenge, and it’s always tough, but sometimes are worse than others. In the week after my mom died, I barely slept. Once I returned to the Keys, I evened out a little, but the last couple of days have been bad again. Last night, I slept in 10-20 minute spurts, which I’ll bet added up to a total of about 2 hours sleep.

Right now, I’m not sure if I’m actually at a computer typing this, or if it’s another bizarre dream.

Every time I would fall asleep, I’d dream about things keeping me awake. The best was the dream where there were 5 or 6 random people in my bed, talking and giggling while I tried desperately to sleep. No matter how much I would yell or cry, the bed people wouldn’t understand - they would just act like I was an asshole who wouldn’t let them have their fun.

I dreamed I was late for class or something, and had to run through the streets.

I dreamed that while I was trying sleep, Shawn was letting a scary, bloated drunk stranger she claimed to know from long ago sleep on the floor. The stranger then vandalized our neighbor’s car.

I dreamed about Neal, only he looked completely different and was going by a different name. It was Neal, though.

I dreamed scary things, then woke up and heard noises and got freaked out. Shawn’s a wonderful roommate, but sometimes I really miss living with Neal, and feeling protected. I mean, the girl could kick some ass, I’m sure, but it just isn’t the same.

I’m so tired, I feel sick. Actually nauseated. If I hadn’t used up all my sick days for my mom’s funeral, I’d be home right now.

Coffee will help me make it through today. But tonight, I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. After work, I’m going to go to the store and buy some sort of sleeping pill – Tylenol PM or whatever. I’ll try to make myself stay up until after Tae Kwon Do, then I’m popping that sucker at 8 p.m.

I hate to do it. It feels like I’m giving up, like I’m admitting that the insomnia is getting the better of me and damn it, I need help.

But damn it, I need help.

I can’t keep going like this. I almost clipped Shawn’s car on the way to work this morning, because I zoned out. I look like shit.

Here’s to Slumberland, where I hope to go tonight.